'Frozen' C-Section Game is Exactly As Twisted As it Sounds

Frozen C-section game

Have you heard of “rule 34”? Rule 34 states that for any conceivable subject, there exists naughty Internet content for it. Yes, I’m talking about that word that rhymes with corn but if I type it I’ll probably be spammed forever and ever with dildo-wielding popup ads because RULE 34. Well, it turns out there’s a parallel universe to the NC-17 one, and this one’s jam-packed with Frozen merchandising, licensed and unlicensed. Which is to say, if you can think of it, there’s a Frozen game or toy or story or whatever for it. And if you venture down the increasingly disturbing unsanctioned-by-Disney path, you will find yourself in a very, very dark place … a place where children can give Anna a virtual C-section in order to free the blue-eyed tyke trapped inside her belly. LET IT GOOOOO ….

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Here we have Frozengames.org, where you can help “frozen Anna give birth a baby.” Smooth jazz plays in the background as you click Next.

 

It’s all looking okay so far, right? I’ll just click that adorable fetus monitor.

Awww. It filled up a heart! While the easy-listening jazz toodles away in the background. This so totally like when I gave birth. Samesies, Anna! Do you want to build a snowman? It doesn’t have to be a snowman! It can be something else! Like for instance THIS GIANT NEEDLE.

 

 

Night night, Anna! Mommies have to go sleepy time before babies can come out. Now the game wants me to click on a frozen orb, which twinkles over Anna’s belly. I assume this is the part where the stabby ice-fetus is changed into a soft pliable human, which is the important stage of birth we all learned about in health class.

 

Now I just need to click on the purple glitter scalpel, drag it over to Anna’s tummy, and draw a magic line.

 

 

Anna’s so peaceful while this is going on! Probably because of the music. Back to the orb to release Anna’s baby from its flesh prison and add its repetitive mechanical wails to the elevator jazz. This isn’t fucked up at ALL.

Then you get to select the scalpel again, slice through the cord, then use a magic wand to make the scar go bye-bye so Anna’s belly is ready for bikini season. Just like real life!

 

 

Finally, you get to weigh the baby, swaddle him/her/it, and return this unholy creature to Prince Whatshisbucket, while Anna blinks her giant eyes nearby, none the worse for wear.

 

Boy I’m glad that jazz never let up for a single solitary second, because otherwise this might have been faintly upsetting. As it is, I find myself soothed by the seductive notes, and so very glad for the game designers who decided to offer this amazingly realistic experience for children everywhere. This is exactly how childbirth happens, kiddos! Some hospitals will allow you to bring your own Kenny G CDs, but most provide the music as well as the glitter-orbs.

Is this the most deranged game you’ve seen on the Internet? If you’ve got a better one, you’d better share.

Image via Frozengames.org

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