Winnie the Pooh Finally Banned for Being Half Naked, Thanks to Brave Town Members

Winnie the Pooh banned Polish

I cannot tell you how many times I have leaped in front of my young children’s eyes in order to shield them from the inappropriate, sexually ambiguous, perennially half-undressed, downright shocking sight of Winnie the Pooh. Winnie-the-Pooh author A.A. Milne is known for such homey quotes as “the smallest things take up the most room in your heart,” but as far as I’m concerned, more parents should take a cue from the Polish town of Tuszyn who sees Pooh for what he REALLY is: a disturbing hermaphrodite with murky intentions.

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A Tuszyn council met recently to decide which famous children’s character should become the face of the town’s play area, and conservative members pointed out what I have been shouting from street corners for YEARS: Pooh is a mutilated creature whose lack of pants and freakishly smooth crotch creates trauma for innocent youngsters.

According to council member Ryszard Cichy,

The problem with that bear is it doesn’t have a complete wardrobe. [Poland’s fictional bear] is dressed from head to toe, unlike Pooh who is only dressed from the waist up

Hanna Jachimska added — keep in mind this meeting was recorded and leaked to the local press, so these are real adult opinions, which are thankfully being shared around the world — that Milne likely removed Pooh’s sexual body parts in a gruesome attack fueled by the author’s confused emotional state:

This is very disturbing but can you imagine! The author was over 60 and cut [Pooh’s] testicles off with a razor blade because he had a problem with his identity.

Thank god for the incredibly wise voices of this council. I cannot agree more that the only thing preferable to Pooh wearing pants would be if the illustrations lovingly detailed Pooh’s hairy, dangling genitalia — for instance, the way they dipped slightly into a pot of honey as he leaned in close to his friend Piglet. We can only hope that this Polish town will take the next logical step: re-publishing the Pooh books so that his gentle words are adjusted to include meaningful references to his anatomically correct body.

BEFORE: “If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.”

AFTER: “If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he is distracted by my protruding Pooh-Stick, for I am afflicted by Morning Hundred Acre Wood.”

Are you ready to join this Polish town in its righteous refusal to accept Winnie the Pooh as he’s been drawn for the last 86 years?


Image via Disney

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