Bigfoot Captured for Real & This Kinda Sorta Changes EVERYTHING

bigfootIf you're to believe the Mid-America Bigfoot Research Center, there is HUGE news developing as I type. Apparently, Bigfoot has been captured. Or, as their code words describe, "Daisy is in the box." There's speculation that in 72 hours time, they'll know more, but all we know now is that Daisy was moved 12 miles from the undisclosed capture site to an undisclosed examination area after being thoroughly sedated. Data regarding Daisy's height, weight, hair color, and, you know, general realness still hasn't been released, but a member of MABRC is optimistic that a statement to the press is imminent.

Bigfoot is behind bars, you guys. Is this really happening?


I mean, I'd be shocked, as would the entire world, if I saw Brian Williams standing outside of Bigfoot's cage reporting on this. It would change everything. Magic would be real. Crazy people would be right. But, I don't know, I guess stranger things have happened.

I'm not sure what, exactly, those stranger things might have been, but I'm sure, maybe, somewhere, they happened.

Anyway, tons of discredited scientists have claimed for a while now that 2013 would be the year Bigfoot was captured, and on the second day of January, their prediction has apparently come true.

Listen, I want Bigfoot to be real as much as the next guy, but I want Bigfoot to be real on his own terms. He belongs at campsites surrounded by people with shitty cellphone cameras; he belongs in the forest hunted by professionals with, surprisingly, and yet again, shitty cellphone cameras; and he belongs roaming along the highways encountering drivers with, SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WITH EVERYONE HAVING SHITTY CELLPHONE CAMERAS.

I guess we just have to hold tight to see if the MABRC is right. But if it were up to me, I'd release the beast. Free Daisy!

Do you think Bigfoot was actually captured?


Photo via freeloosedirt/Flickr

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