POSTS WITH TAG: your kid asked what

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    “Mommy, what’s S&M?” That’s what my sweet and innocent 8-year-old daughter recently asked me while driving home from school. Yeah, THANKS Rihanna. Thanks a lot. Fortunately, when this question came up, we were at a red light. I probably would have swerved and hit a passing pedestrian or light post otherwise.

    My second grader and I had been listening to the radio, some random Top 40 “we play the hits you wanna hear” type station.

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    I recently read a fabulous article by Sherrie Campbell called "8 Guaranteed Ways to Emotionally F*ck Up Your Kids." Now, to be honest, I originally clicked on the article because I imagined it to be some mocking list filled with humorous fare, like, "When they're taking a bath, scream 'Shark' and run out of the room." Though the actual piece was a lot more astute, I'm pretty sure that would be totally scarring as well.

    In fact, one moment of creatively messing with your kiddos (for your own amusement) could potentially last a lifetime (see Jimmy Kimmel). So when I finished the piece, I still wanted to read the sarcastic version. Who was gonna write that?

    Since I've already written lists about the lies we tell our kids to stay sane and the Momisms we trick them with, I thought, why not me?

    That said, here it is: 13 Guaranteed Ways to F*ck Up Your Kids (WARNING: DO NOT TRY THESE AT HOME, IF YOU WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU'RE OLD) ...

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    It appears I have many many flaws. Flaws that my well-meaning children (a boy and a girl) have brought to my attention over the last 11 years. 

    For instance, I remember my daughter asking if a dark freckle on my back was a mole. I said, "It's not a mole, it's a beauty mark," to which she innocently replied, "Why would they call it a beauty mark, when it's so ugly?" I guess I never realized the beauty mark I once thought was kinda sexy was such an eyesore. Thank you, my child, for enlightening me. 

    Yes, one of the joys of parenthood is having your children point out your imperfections with brutal honesty. Some days your kids can unwittingly rival the meanest playground bully.   

    So children, I say thank you for being seen in public with me and for putting up with my numerous shortcomings, which you made me aware of when you uttered phrases like these:

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    You know how sometimes you say something to your child and you can't believe you actually said it? For instance last week I wrote about an incident in which I had to ask my son to stop smelling the cat. And there was another time at Foot Locker when my son, a toddler at the time, commented on how large a woman's boobs were -- as he grabbed and smushed them in his little hands. We were about 10 seconds from a full-on motor boat when I was forced to yell, "We don't grab people's boobies. So, Stop feeling up the nice lady."

    All parents have turned some pretty insane phrases at one time or another. I always wonder if it's the parents who've gone bat shit crazy for saying these things or the children who are the certifiable ones for making these phrases need to be said. 

    Here are some of the weirdest things I've had to say to my children plus some phrases from my awesome Facebook Fans.

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  • LOL

    20 Ridiculous Lies Mom Tell Their Kids

    posted by Jenny Isenman August 8, 2013 at 2:02 PM in Toddler
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    I'm just gonna come right out and say it. Moms lie! We do -- and frankly a fib can be the difference between a good night's sleep and being sent to padded room. You see, mothers are a brilliantly dishonest bunch. And deception is one of the strongest tools in our arsenal (PS: it only works until your children figure out how to look things up on Google).

    Damn you interwebs from ruining the only sanity saver I have left!

    Of course we fabricate things in different ways. There are the universal lies, which I laid out in my lists of "Momisms", and there are the bold faced lies that are incredibly creative and will most definitely get us in trouble down the road. Though we're willing to take that risk for a little reprieve in the moment!

    Here are some bold faced lies I've told my kids to save sanity, furniture, face, time, and money. Plus, the top lies from my Facebook Fans, who are clearly unscrupulous (and I love that about them).

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    I was just writing a piece on things our parents do that embarrass us even though we're grown up, when it dawned on me that my kids do things that embarrass me even more. My children have blurted out some very personal secrets to teachers, doctors, the person who gives you shoes at the bowling alley, and I'm sure unbeknownst to me -- to other people's parents as well.

    The first time I recall being outed by one of my children was when my son was about 3. While in the checkout line at the grocery store, he looked at cashier and nonchalantly said, "My mommy walks around naked." As if it made perfect sense in the context of buying juice boxes.

    I've also been privy to other people's juicy secrets, unsolicited mind you. (It's not like I drill little children that innocently come over to play or hook them to lie detectors while we enjoy cookies and then I ask if their mom has had any work done.)

    Here are some of those secrets (and the reason we shouldn't let them leave the house) ...

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    I recently made a list of crazy things Gen Xers used growing up that are completely antiquated now. It reminded me of conversations I had with my relatives, when I was a child, where they told these fantastical tales about things my generation would never experience. Like, walking 20 miles to school ... in the snow ... uphill ... shoeless. Or running into gypsy bandits that lived in the woods near their house or even sitting around the radio to listen to your favorite shows.

    As crazy as all of that sounded (exaggeration and all), I'm pretty sure the things I grew up doing as a Gen Xer wouldn't sound much less abnormal to my own offspring. And so, I imagine these are the yarns I will spin as my kids grow up.

    "Well, youngin's, you think you've got it tough with your Facebook and your Google and your iParaphernalia? Why, in my day, we had to ..."

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    This post needs to be filed in the crevices of my mind where repressed memories are stored and then covered up by something to obsess about, like my cellulite, or the wrinkles on my face that multiply faster then the Duggar family.

    Maybe I could slide this memory somewhere between my talent show version of Gonna Dress You up In My Love and my entire 7th grade year.  Well, here goes...

    Recently at a baseball game, a mom friend and I were having a bout of witty banter that went terribly horribly irrefutably awry...

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    Here's how it goes … at 3, my kids won trophies for soccer, which I assure you were not deserved. How do I know? Um, there were times my daughter would stop kicking the ball to chase a dragon fly. And, I could be wrong, but I don't think my son was bending it like Beckham when he would pick up the ball with his hands and throw it to a friend mid-game.  I know, it wasn't about them deserving their awards … they all get trophies -- because that's what we do to our millennial children, we make them think that they're the best at everything.  We praise them constantly and tell them everyone is a winner, leaving them little motivation, and little idea of what the real world is like.

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    In my recent post about decoding Momisms, I realized that not only have I officially become a mother, I may have officially become MY mother. Not that she was bad, she was and is wonderful, but she spoke a language of cliche "parentese" that I swore would never pass my lips.

    No, I would never say, "Because I said so," as I intended to have long conversations with my brilliant offspring in which I would explain my decision and discuss my reasoning ad nauseum.

    I mean, they deserved to be talked to like adults, right? No quickie threats or illogical arguments? Well, at least that's what I assumed when I was one of them. Now, I realize those phrases were uttered to stop from having conversations (ad nauseum) about EVERY LITTLE THING or because they were simply quick, to the point, and preserved sanity.

    Here's a list of those things we swore we never say (but do):

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