Even though Girl Child is 13 and, in some parents’ purview, too old for my iron-fisted censorship, I still keep an ear out for the stuff she’s listening to. There is just something blood-curdling about hearing your barely teenage daughter prancing around the house obliviously belting out the lyrics to Rihanna’s “Rude Boy”: “Come here, rude boy, boy; can you get it up?/Come here rude boy, boy; is you big enough?” No ma’am, no sir. Not on my watch.

Still, even with being on my toes for subliminal messages and overt sexuality, one occasionally slips past me, like The Wanted’s “Glad You Came,” which I would never have suspected is really about… orgasms?! At least that’s what one member of the band has strongly suggested. And I’ve been letting my daughter sing along whenever it comes on the radio which, if you listen to any given pop station, is like 30-50 times a day, no lie.

If there was ever a sentence that made me want to throw up my hands and scream "what is the world coming to!?" this is it. An 11-year-old girl has reportedly given birth in a hospital in Colombia. Eleven!

I was still playing with LEGOs at 11, and here this kid is a mother. Get that? Not just an 11-year-old having sex, but an 11-year-old who had a living, breathing human being cut out of her uterus by doctors performing a C-section.

O. M. G. This is me, hyperventilating. So I'm going to go ahead and talk myself -- and you -- off the ledge.

I'm going to go out on a limb here folks. I don't think there is a parent out there who wakes their 8-year-old up, slips a lunchbag in their backpack, and sends them out the door in the morning thinking "Hooray! Today is the day my kid sees two other third graders having oral sex in their classroom!" So. Wrong. And apparently so true.

A teacher has been fired after administrators say that exact horror happened under a table in a classroom at the Tallulah Elementary School in Louisiana's Madison Parish. And I can't help but think of all the OTHER little kids who are sharing a third grade classroom with two kids who engage in oral sex.

Schools should not be providing condoms to middle schoolers. This seems obvious, no? But not everyone agrees, it seems.

A school committee in Springfield, Massachusetts approved a policy that would make condoms available to kids over the age of 12 as part of a comprehensive reproductive health policy to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy.

That is one hell of a school supply. Can you imagine this popping up on your school’s “wish list” items? I wonder, will they have to ask the school nurse for condoms? Or maybe they will put them in one of those neat little dispensers in the boys' bathroom.

Someone isn't playing nice at PS 42 on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, and it's not the kids. It seems that parents are royally peeved after the Dino Eli Gallery across the street from the elementary school put up nude photos of a woman as part of an art installation right smack in the front window that faces the school.

It lines up like this: Parents think it's obscene, Dino Eli (the gallery owner) thinks it's art. The two sides are at an impasse, as Eli says they just can't see eye to eye. 

As someone who holds an art history degree and drives by XXX billboards while taking my kids to school in Hollywood, I've got a dog in this race. Eli, you're behaving worse than a second grader here, and you need to get off your pompous art horse.

It’s Ash Wednesday, a time to repent and get your spiritual game on track for Lenten season. It’s kind of hard for me to focus this year because things have been pretty tense in my household for the past couple of weeks, the longest an issue has ever had a chokehold on our little family since Girl Child was born. It started when I did a random search of her cell phone and found out, among other things, that she had called a boy at 4 in the morning — on the cell phone I bought and pay monthly for — and was exacerbated by the fact that I had peeled myself out of bed at 3 to trudge to the laundromat and wash her funky, filthy clothes while she was doing it.

If you're a parent who pays attention to your children to an intense degree, you've probably given thought to his or her sexuality. If you have other mom friends that you share a glass of wine with from time to time, you've definitely discussed which kid is a budding ladies' man, and which little lady is going all Shiloh on the playground. But for god's sake, you don't talk about your lesbian grade schooler to a reporter, who plans on broadcasting it all over the universe.

Oh, Gwyneth, calling your daughter a "lipstick lesbian" may have seemed cute at the time, but now it's out there, and Apple is not going to be amused.

I'm a big fan of embarrassing people. My family has  a longstanding tradition of shaming one another, just for fun, so I grew up in an environment where I couldn't go to the bathroom without someone asking me if I was "going to take a poop." At age 20.

Really, there's been nothing more exciting to me than having kids of my own. Kids who made my skin sag, my nipples leak, and who don't allow me to use the bathroom without an audience.

Well, it's time (rubs hands craftily) to pay them back.