For most moms, the day their daughter starts dabbling in makeup is one they fear because it represents the entrance to the teen years. A dash of lip gloss and a flutter of mascara-coated lashes are signs their girls are growing up. I am not one of those moms. I am terrified of the day my daughter begins wearing makeup for another reason entirely.

I have no clue how to teach her to actually put on makeup. And I don't want my mom fail to be the reason my kid is the weirdo with the orange line down the side of her jaw. So it's been decided: I will be joining the throng of women taking their tween and teenage daughters to a professional makeup artist.

Fast fact: did you know your teenager can walk into a doctor's office and ask to be treated for an STD, and no one has to tell you? Legally? And that's not all, my friends. A number of states are now offering our kids STD prevention services without a parent ever getting involved.

You don't have to be told, you don't have to approve! Isn't it great? What? You don't think so?

When I think "playground," I picture kids chasing each other around the jungle gym screeching about cooties. What I don't picture is two 12-year-olds swapping spit while their school administrator frantically dials the cops to come in and break up the liplock. Maybe that makes me old-fashioned, or just plain old. But before you pass me the bottle of Geritol, give me a little credit!

My gut reaction wasn't to shudder and call my sweet baby home from school so she'd be safe from the grubby lips of little boys. I wanted to smack that administrator upside the head. Calling the police? Really? Over one chaste consensual kiss between two almost teenagers?

Remember those awkward teen years? I sure do. However, pop superstars Justin Bieber, 17, and Selena Gomez, 19, seem to have been able to kick the terrible teens to the curb. Tonight at the American Music Awards in Los Angeles, the teen-aged power couple cast away their typically youthful, trendsetting swag and stepped out in serious old-Hollywood glamour. And they don't even look ridiculous.

Holy moley, what will these crazy kids think of next? Is there anything they can't do?

Adolescents of America, rejoice! For today is one when you should be glad that you are not living out your teenage lives in merry old England. Because one hop over the pond, and you could be subject to a brand new education initiative that gives teachers the right to touch you all over your body.

I'd like to think that the move to give English teachers TSA-like powers would bother me less if -- here in the States -- we weren't in the middle of a disturbing sex abuse scandal involving adolescent boys at Penn State. But I'm betting that even if Jerry Sandusky weren't out on TV talking about the joys of showering with little boys, I'd be raising holy hellfire over the idea of a teacher putting his or her hands on my daughter.

I have five words for the creators behind the new Fox sitcom I Hate My Teenage Daughter. Didn't your mommy ever tell you "hate is a strong word"? Based on the title alone, it sounds like they're about to justify being an overbearing, judgmental mom by adding a laugh track.

The folks at Fox are already backpedaling on their outrageous title. A press release sent to The Stir this week admits it "sounds harsh," but "this show represents a typical mother-daughter relationship and the trials and tribulations they may experience in their daily lives." OK, fine, mother and daughter fighting is legendary! But still: hate?

Leave it to a bunch of high school administrators to be freaked out by the mere mention of the word "breasts." The head cheese at an Arizona high school has put the kibosh on the school's cheerleaders plan to raise money and awareness for the breast cancer cause at football games because it's "inappropriate." Way to make a bunch of teenage girls feel like acknowledging their femininity is a bad thing.

The girls were going to wear pink shirts that urged people to "Feel For Lumps, Check Your Bumps." But their principal says that crosses "appropriate boundaries of a school setting." Really? I spend a fair amount of time with teenage girls. "Bumps" is probably the tamest euphemism you'll hear for the twins, the tatas, the cans, the melons, should I go on?

The new teenager

Hey Skylar,

Even though we had off yesterday, I was up, rise and shine, hours before you even thought about peeling your little peepers open. I can’t sleep late to save my life. But you can, so as I snuck past your room — which is in desperate need of a tidy-up, by the way — I stopped to look in. Yep, I still check on you like that. You may be taller than me (big deal!) and be able to fit my clothes, but you’re still my baby.

There are days I know we drive each other nuts. I know I nag. I know I frazzle you. I know I pluck your nerves just like you pluck mine — except for, out of the respect you’ve been taught and probably a little fear of the wrath of your mama, you don’t say anything. But you are the greatest blessing I never knew I needed and I’ve enjoyed every year of being your mother. Now you’re a teenager proper! That doesn’t mean we have to go through those ugly kid vs. parent battles, though.