Stephen Colbert had graduates from the University of Virginia grabbing their stomachs for most of his 17-minute commencement address yesterday. The satirist, who did not attend the university (his application to attend there as a transfer student was rejected) but whose wife, Evelyn, did, put on a show worthy of any Colbert Report. Even the mandatory "advice" part on the end, where he makes fun of Millennials for be self-absorbed and beholden to their social media gods, is hysterical. But seriously, is this guy never not funny? He could breath and we'd laugh.

Here are 9 of his most brilliant quips from the speech:

Columbia University is petitioning to change one of their graduate school fellowships that is currently whites-only. The Lydia C. Roberts graduate fellowship stipulates that the recipient must be Caucasian and must be from Iowa. The scholarship was established in 1920, but hasn't been awarded since 1997. The Ivy League school is currently asking the courts to allow a change of the scholarship's whites-only requirement, presumably so they can continue awarding the scholarship, this time with a clear conscience.

It's never easy finding out your child is being bullied. As parents, we're supposed to be their protectors. But just how far do you take the mama bear role? For Jill Trahan-Hardy, being her daughter's advocate has translated into attending school with her 11-year-old every day, shadowing her in the halls like a bodyguard.

Moms and Dads, has it really come to this? Do we really need to give up our own lives to keep our kids safe?

It seems like at least once a week, a story crops up in the news about a school trying to enforce a dress code that's a little out-of-control. Calling kindergartners' skirts out for being too short (when they're wearing tights!). Banning long hair on little boys.

They make me as crazy as any mom. But if I had to be honest, I feel for school administrators. Because for all of us parents just trying to apply common sense to how we dress our kids, there are the parents who go off the rails.

Take, for example, the mom who lets her 6-year-old wear high heels to school. I shouldn't have to tell you that's inappropriate, but apparently it has to be said.

Today's dose of what-the-hell from our nation's schools comes to us from Dallas. There the school district has been debating its student dress code. Among their rulings last week were mandates that leggings should not be worn as pants; skirts should be no higher than a girl's fingertips; and boys shouldn't be allowed to wear earrings.

I suppose we could argue the merit of each of those, but it's one policy that the school district overturned that is the most outrageous -- the one that requires students to tuck in their shirts. Staff told the school board they don't think students should be required to do so because it could damage fat kids. I'm not kidding.

When America got all excited about Amy Chua and her "Tiger Mom" parenting methods, I cringed. Could people actually think belittling their kids, severely restricting their social lives, and a rigorous educational plan could create itty bitty geniuses?

If you're one of the parents who bought it, be warned: it's not going to work. And now we have the science to prove it.

Where do you think the U.S. ranks in terms of maternal and childhood care in the world? If you said number one, you would be wrong. By 30 spots actually. The Save the Children foundation released its 14th annual State of the World's Mothers Report and that global distinction goes to Finland, where mothers have greater overall health, education, and economic and political status.

The report ranks 176 countries in terms of maternal and infant health. This year, the U.S. lost five spots from last year’s 25th-place ranking. Still, we are lucky compared to so many other mothers across the world.

The reality is that, while globally, the number of children dying has declined by more than half, we still have a long, long way to go before newborn infants aren't at risk for dying from preventable illnesses and mothers aren't in danger just because they have given birth. The report highlights so much progress and also so many places we still have to go. See below:

The last two weeks have been all about standardized testing, as far as my kids are concerned.

My third grade daughter spent last week taking TCAP tests. My kindergarten son is taking the SAT-10 this week.The stakes for these tests seem much higher than they were when we were kids, and across the country parents are responding by calling for change and even opting their children out of standardized testing entirely.

A few writers from The Stir got together today in a Moms Matter Google Hangou to discuss standardized testing. One has even pulled her child from her neighborhood's public school specifically because of the focus on standardized tests. Here's the video discussion --