Oral Sex Is the New Goodnight Kiss

on October 30, 2009 at 7:09 AM

This is the title of a new parenting book, and it disturbs me to no end. It's true that many tweens and teens don't consider oral sex to be true "sex" and often submit to requests for it as nonchalantly as if asked to pass a bottle of ketchup down the table.

The book -- made into a documentary -- chronicles the sex lives of teen girls. The author, Sharlene Azam, also examines the recent emergence of teenage prostitution in affluent suburbs. Middle class girls as young as 12 are having sex with up to seven men a night, several times a week, so they can go shopping.

A lot of moms in the Connecting With Your Teenager group have given it to their daughters to read. But myfoursonsks, who has four boys, reminded moms not to only blame the boys. Even the book author says that your daughter's best friends may be her biggest enemies when it comes to letting down her moral guard.

"I hate seeing how moms tend to bash the boys and act like everything their daughters do is all the boys' fault," myfoursonsks says. "That is usually so untrue. They are just using the boys as a scapegoat because sexual activity is more expected of boys than girls. The sexual aggressiveness can go both ways, for sure."

Other moms agreed with her.

"I have a girl and two boys and my youngest boy (14) was asleep and I kept hearing this noise," one mom says. "So I went into his room and this girl (also 14) is texting him at 3:30 in the morning! I write back, Like, he's asleep, where YOU SHOULD BE! Good grief! Then he comes home with hickies on him!"

Have you read the book yet? Who is more sexually agressive -- boys or girls? Or are they equal in that regard?

Get That Teenager Some Birth Control!

About the author Cynthia Dermody

is The Stir's Managing Editor who has trophies in her home for her skills at the Irish Jig. She makes cupcakes with as many fattening ingredients as possible, doesn't comb her hair for months at a time, and was probably a faerie in a former life.

Filed Under: sex & dating, teens

Comments (42)

ethans_momma06

on Oct 30, 2009 at 11:04 AM

Completely equal... and I may be pretty unpopular for saying this but....I really think this up turn in teenage sexuality has to do with how sex and oral sex is viewed in the 'Adult' world. It is now perfectly acceptable for little miss 21 to sleep with 8 different guys a week, and we are told that she is just embracing her sexuality. Well guess what? Thats what your little 14-16 yr old thinks SHE'S doing too.

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Nonmember comment from Bean

on Oct 30, 2009 at 11:50 AM

"It is now perfectly acceptable for little miss 21 to sleep with 8 different guys a week, and we are told that she is just embracing her sexuality." What about the fact that it has always been perfectly acceptable for young men to do the same? If someone who is at the age of consent willingly chooses to sleep with twenty people a week, that's their choice. Period. I do agree that we are hyper-sexualizing kids at an early age as well as treating casual sex as a common indulgence like a hamburger or a piece of cake, and I believe that both boys and girls should be informed enough to wait to become sexually active until they are prepared to face the consequences that come with it — pregnancy, STDs, heartache, etc. Parents need to step up and speak with their kids openly and honestly about everything related to sexual activity, starting at a young age so that it's not viewed as a taboo discussion. Don't have "the TALK", have frequent talks. You can teach your kids that just because the media glamourizes something, or college age girls choose to behave in a way in which they are accepting of casual sex, it doesn't mean that they have to esteem to that.

nmmama09

on Oct 30, 2009 at 12:10 PM

I think it's equal. My sister and I were just discussing her 12 y.o daughters cell phone. My sis took it away for bad behavior and checked her messages. She said there were numerous texts from her friends about who had sex on the last school trip, who let a boy touch them on the bus and other stuff a 12 year should not be talking about. So my sis talked to her about it and showed the mom of the other girl the phone too, so she would know what her daughter was talking about. She is trying her best to stay on top of things when it comes to talking to her daughter about stuff like this but it is scary because how do you know if their friends parents do the same? Peer pressure is hard to resist and we can only hope they remember our words when it comes down to saying no to their friends.

on Oct 30, 2009 at 3:57 PM

Bean- Because I listed a female example certainly doesn't mean that I was referring only to women. That would be why I stated that I believe these acts are completely equal - men engage in them as well. However it has NOT always been acceptable for young men to sleep around. Certainly perhaps it has been more permissable for them to have an indiscretion or two but never to the extent it is now.

I never said that it WASN'T anyones choice to do as many people as they want to a day, let alone a week, but the fact is the more socially acceptable it is for the adults...it's going to be far more socially acceptable for your TEEN (boy or girl) to do so.

athenax3

on Nov 1, 2009 at 7:33 AM

I think they're probably equal- girls are becoming much more aggressive in both the sexual and physical sense, and now they seem to be spiraling completely out of control in masse- there are no longer the social stigmas associated with being violent, sexually active or using drugs, it seems everything is now acceptable. In fact, my dd (16) has gotten more grief for NOT being sexually active from GIRLS than the girls who are giving it away in locker rooms! how is that logical? Some girls have even tried to push her into "just doing it with anyone to get it over with" how sad....

Aniyunwiya

on Nov 2, 2009 at 3:32 AM

Equal

lola_nejinsky

on Apr 29, 2010 at 7:51 AM

Well, I've looked through the book, and these are just a few phrases that I liked a lot.

“If you talk to teens [about oral sex] they’ll tell you it’s not a big deal,” Azam wrote. “In fact, they don’t consider it sex. they don’t consider a lot of things sex.”
Don't you think this attitude is nothing new? Just ask former president Clinton about this.

The fact is that our children have more progressive views on sex, sex toys or masturbation than we think they have.

Facebook comment from Tom Shelley

on Feb 8, 2011 at 9:42 AM

God I thought my mom was bad. Leave your 16 year old boy alone. Seriously. Be glad they're texting in the middle of the night and not sneaking out to fool around. It could be much worse. Let it go. I swear the things I read from parents on here...

He's not 10. Give him some space. He's not a little boy and is on the verge of being a man.

Nonmember comment from john jinx

on Feb 9, 2011 at 3:57 PM

You're all so extreme. I'm a 16 year old guy, and I can honestly tell you that nothing my parents tell me in regards to the way I treat them would change it. By being over-protective all you're doing is sheltering them so they won't be able to make the choices on their own when it comes down to it, causing them to make all the wrong ones.

DonnaEtwnsx2

on Feb 10, 2011 at 5:24 PM

Well,I haven't read the book,but I'd say it's pretty equal. Sure some boys are more aggressive,but so are some girls. I have a 17 yr old son,and I've always been pretty open with him trying to keep the lines of communication open.I'm definitley not over protective,but I'm not handing out condoms either. I share the ideas I think teens should follow or be focused on in school,I encourage dating as opposed to "going out with". I feel kids should be dating different people so they get good at talking to others,and getting to know others before they decide to be exclusive. I strongly encourage said dates to be group,or at least double dates,that way if things go south there are others to help ease social discomfort.The added benefit of things not heating up so much hopefully if friends are there too. My son hasn't had sex yet,and I encourage if he's thinking about it to protect himself,and never push himself on another.I stress to him in ALL things he does with others.girls in particular that NO Means NO! and to stop any behavior that elicits a NO!