Tween Girl Life: Sexual Experimentation


tweensThere is no question that this is a very difficult subject for many parents. Moms of tweens are constantly dealing with what seems like alarming changes in their children (even though many times the changes are normal, albeit sexual in nature). Sexual exploration at 9, 10, 11, and 12 is actually more common than many people think.

This is not to suggest that kids this age should ever engage in sex, but most seem to develop a heightened awareness of their bodies. Dr. Laura Berman even discussed self-stimulation (or masturbation) within this age group on a recent Oprah episode.

Tweens, especially, are dealing with a rush of hormones that often lead them to a new interest in the opposite sex and perhaps even hand-holding, hugging and kissing. But what happens when seemingly straight  tweens, particularly girls, show an interest in the same sex? It's a question A.W.96 asked. She wants to know if it's normal for best friends 11 and 12 to "experiment." In her post she says, "with pants on, of course." I assume she means, kissing and touching.

In the responses, CM moms were divided between being disgusted and completely understanding.

my2.5boys said, "I experimented with a close girl friend, but it wasn't because I thought I might be gay, it was because I was more comfortable with her, than anyone else. And I'm pretty sure I was younger than 11 or 12. I turned out just fine too. I am in a very stable marriage, with a beautiful family, and couldn't be happier with the way my life turned out. Tell your daughter not to worry. It is perfectly normal, and nothing to feel guilty about."

But an anon mom countered, "For them to perform sexual things on each other but with clothes at 11 or 12... What kind of mother even ask such a question not knowing if this is normal or not? No it's not.. .they are 11 or 12!!! What happened to girls being pure? I swear so many parents have bought into such a lie by what they see in the media and stuff."

Do you agree with either of these mothers? Do you think that sexual curiosity/ experimentation (minus sex) is normal between tween girls?


health, puberty, sex & dating, tweens


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madam... madamekatekate

I love when Anon moms have nothing but rude things to say. Geez.

I say it's pretty normal...I remember my friends and I would practice kissing on eachother simply for the fact we didn't have boys to do it on. We were a little younger but I'm pretty sure age doesn't have much to do with it and it's just when they've become a little more mature and curious about it.

Besides...Even if you child were to say "Mom, I'm gay now." tomorrow, would you stop loving them? Would you really be angry at them? Honestly...

Erin1108 Erin1108

This poses an extremely interesting question. A friend of mine and I used to practice kissing on each other when we were 10 or so, and while I'm straight and married, with plans on starting a family, she realized at around 16 that she is a lesbian. We're still great friends (she was a bridesmaid at my wedding), but it does make an interesting arguement on whether it has any effect on sexuality down the road. Does it? Who knows?

Momma... MommaBear619

When I was 12, I explored my body's responses to stimulation. It's very natural! And I also remember quite fondly sharing these experimentations with other girls my age. We simply wanted to know for ourselves. We were human beings experiencing something we had never experienced before, and to be able to share our questions and discoveries with FRIENDS rather than strangers was comforting. No, we didn't want to go out and have sex, because we had no idea HOW to! It would have been embarrassing! But we were growing up regardless and had to know for ourselves. There was no other way to know. I still like girls, but not all my friends ended up that way. It's called personal prefference, and we all have the right to discover that for ourselves!

cryst... crystaleve29

Curiousity is normal. As long as there isnt a line being crossed i dont see the problem. I've only had male relationships but I have had experiences with girls when i was younger. It happens but I dont believe it changed my preference for men or made me worse than a girl who never has done anything with a girl.

beff beff

 it is normal and natural to be curious and they feel comfortable with each other. i'm sure the moms who freak out over the thought, are not remembering their own experiences as kids who were curious, healthy and normal.

it isn't unpure or wrong, it is a healthy exploration of her body.

LTJLs... LTJLsmomma

I think it is a perfectly normal thing.  I think if they were caught you should go on and discuss whatever questions they may have and let them know the Natural way things go ( not like they don't know already I sure did) Sometimes you use what you have available.. With the TV, the Internet and books even these days it's hard for kids NOT to be interested in sex and experimenting.. I mean it's glorified in almost EVERY single movie or TV show... To be caught just means that it is about the time to sit down and talk to her like an adult.. She is obviously having adult feelings, might as well explain.. no need for embarrassment!!

scarl... scarlett56

Being curious and experimenting seems to be the "norm" of today's society.  It wasn't so long ago when morals were higher that certain things that are considered "OK" today were considered taboo then.  Keeping a solid line of communication open between children and parents is paramount to making this issue a success.  While I personally do not believe in a gay lifestyle, a person no matter what the age needs to realize that they are in charge of their own bodies and not an unwilling, uncontrolling participant of what is happening through choice.  I believe one of the greatest gifts a person can give their spouse is their purity and trust.  Examine how much closer your own relationships with your husbands might have been if the only sexual knowledge you have is the one you have with him.  I have 5 children and I strive daily to teach them that there are things that they will experience in their lives but ultimately .... everything is a conscious choiceand making the right choice is best. 

M1ch3... M1ch3ll3Ann

I am inclined to agree with Scarlett56. Over many generations I am sure not all kids "playing doctor" have been of opposite sexes. That said... todays "everybody's choice of lifestyle is acceptable" mantra (something I don't agree with) can lead to great confusion if the exploration is continuing to happen at this time in a young person's life.  With so many homosexual images in today's media this type of exploration could be mistaken as someone's chosen identity. Especially with the social networking that blasts these types of interactions to an entire student body within hours. Parents should be striving to communicate with their children about their bodies and the changes and feelings that are a part of it. At 11 or 12 I would say that chances are greater of a young girl being hurt emotionally to continue "exploring". She needs information and parents that she can speak with candidly.  Our tweens hearts and spirits need guidance and protection. Parents should stand behind their convictions and be unafraid to speak to their children and pass along the blessing of their families faith or traditions.


dream... dreamymind

I disagree completely and whole heartedly.  I was a child who was forced to sexual exploration by me 11 year old cousin when i was 6.  If I did not perform I was beat up.  This lead to years of sexual impurity, sexual idenitty crisis, and so much more junk in the trunk.  Through counseling and my faith I have been able to overcome this and was so upset when my daughter became a victim of this EXPERIMENTATION by a neighbor girl who was a year older.  This never having been in MY house!!  If u don't know what's really going on in your house then maybe you should reconsider the closed door rules!

three... threecuties592

I used to "practice" making out with my friends. There is nothing gross or abnormal involved, it's just experimenting. When I was 12 my friend and I would take turns kissing a neighbor boy in the woods. She got 2 minutes then I got 2 minutes and he certainly didn't seem to mind. We did this for HOURS! I look back on this with fond memories and can truly say it never entered my mind to take it any further, it was simply kissing. I also used to practice with my female friends. Society makes sex such a huge deal; kids are bomarded with sexual images on TV, magazine covers and billboards and yet we say "no no no, it's bad"! No wonder they're so curious these days. Back when I was a tween sex wasn't everywhere you looked.

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