At home my kindergartner is a tough guy. He pounces on his dad to wrestle and practices his Tae Kwon Do faithfully. He likes to watch football with his father and when I'm not looking, they sneak in a few boxing matches. I know for sure if I were to let him watch wrestling and that other even more violent stuff like Ultimate Fighting, he'd be a devote.
But none of this seems to matter at school, where my son is regularly bullied by other kids. He's literally had a black eye before. His teacher and other parents often say the kids are just "playing rough," but why is it that my baby always feels slighted and is the one hurt?
Well this week, I changed the course of my parenting in a major way. No more, "If someone bothers you, let a grown up know." After my kid recently told me another kid hit him on the chin, all while the other boys were chasing him down, I lost it. Okay?
"If a bunch of guys ever chase you again, don't run anywhere," I demanded. "Don't worry about all of them, stop and just get one of them and get him good. Use everything you learned in karate--punch and kick and jump on top of him until he's screaming for his mommy!" My son laughed a little at the thought of one of the bully kids in desperation.
"I'm serious, Lorenzo," I said. Forget what Mommy said before. "Fight back--the most important rule is DON'T EVER LET ANYONE HURT YOU."
When the school policy is "no fighting," do you still tell your child to fight back?
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Comments 17
If there is a history of it and the standard administrative response always includes 'just playing," then I would tell my kids to defend themselves. DD was bullied in 2nd and part of 3rd grade. Her 2nd grade teacher ignored her, but another stepped in and put a stop to it. When the same bully started up again in 3rd grade, I told DD to kick her hard in the shin if she laid a hand on her. That was the end of it. I had to go in for a conference, but it was worth it for DD to feel empowered and unafraid.
I couldn't agree with you more! We tell our son -- and daughter -- the exact same thing. We refuse to let them be bullied.
I did the same thing when my son was a bully.... while my sons school tried to keep an eye on the bullying, this boy was very sly and threatened my son by whispering in his ear.... I told my son to do the same thing, bust him back whatever, we had went through the proper channels and when that didn't work, yep, hit him back..... it's for reasons just like that , that we're thinking homeschool next year..... there's just too many kids to watch for teachers to be able to protect them from bullying....
I can't blame you for urging your son to want to hurt one of them back as seemingly the only want to teach them a lesson since the school won't help but it still ISN'T the right way. Children should be taught to defend themselves but NOT to become an attacker. Escalading a fight by attacking back might result in your son getting more seriously injured. It also tends to be the person that "fights back" that gets noticed by teachers and they're the ones that usually get into trouble. When your son defends himself, he's done nothing wrong. When he becomes an attacker, he's now part of the problem. (cont.)
(cont.)
What I would do? Teach my children how to defend themselves. I would notify the school board and the principle/administrator that there was a problem and the teachers refused to handle it. I'd start taking my son to the doctor and sending the school the bill or the bully's parents (I was injured at school and my school paid for it). If they still did nothing, I would let them know I was going to go to local news sources to speak about the problems with violence in the school system. I will make it VERY clear to my children's school that I DO NOT pay $130 per month in school taxes alone for my kid to be bullied and they'll rue the day that they decided not to take my concerns seriously. Mothers are a force to be reckoned with; do not let your kid do the dirty work of violence when the teachers ought to be stepping in and doing their jobs.
(cont.) I got pimples very early when I was a kid and was picked on the entire 5th and 6th grade years. My self-esteem was in the toilet and I felt absolutely horrible about myself. The teachers did absolutely NOTHING to the kids that were harassing me so not only did I resent the kids who were doing it but I started to resent the teachers and adults as well. What did I do? I fought back, verbally. To this day I can pick up any insecurity someone might have about themselves just by looking at them and drill them into the ground with just one horrible comment. I was 11 and 12 years old and became mouthy to other kids, to my parents and to authority figures as a way of defending myself and as a retort to the harassment I was receiving. Although the teasing of me stopped in the 7th grade, my mouthiness that I had used as a defence was a habit that took me into ADULTHOOD to get rid of! Please don't teach your kids that attacking back in the answer. They're always the ones that will end up suffering more because of it.
If someone is physically attacking my child and the school is deeming it "playing rough" I agree 100%, hit them back, let them know that you aren't going to put up with it anymore. If the school says something tell them that they were only "playing rough."
I don't condone my son hitting, especially girls, but when this one girl kept seeking out my son in the backyard and hitting him for no other reason but to hit him I got angry. I talked to the mother, nothing happened. Then while he was playing at the other side of the yard from her minding his own business, she walked over to him and hit him in the head with a snow shovel. I told him that if she ever hit him again to turn around and hit her back and to hit her good. I mean the kid has a mean right hook, he's just afraid to use it unless he's joking around with me or his daddy.
I also believe that if my son is hitting someone for no reason then he should expect to be hit back.
We always tell our boys to use their words first and walk away. If they are bullied past that, we tell them they are allowed to hit back, and even if they get into trouble at school, we'll be there to take care of it.
Worse than the bullies that hit are the bullies that don't. There's something about getting hit, but it's another thing, altogether, to bully a child by belittling them, putting them down, and crushing their self-esteem.
I've with NovemberLove.