Here's Why You Should Eat All Your Kid's Halloween Candy

I'm not a fan of lying to kids, unless the lie is "We are out of ice cream, I'm eating a bowl of broccoli" or "Sorry, Chuck E. Cheese's is only open on the third Sunday of the month." I hate the Jimmy Kimmel videos where parents steal their kids' candy and lie to them about eating it all. Why lie to your kids about it? Just eat all their candy and tell them the truth. 


Listen, I'm not advocating that parents should eat stuff like Twizzlers or candy corn. That shit is gross. Totally leave candy like that for your kids. But when you are rummaging through their overflowing Halloween sack and you come across some fun-size Kit Kat bars? Those are yours. You have earned them.

Who was it who shoved their hands into the pumpkin cavity and scooped out fistfuls of slimy orange pumpkin guts? That was you, Mom. 

Who brought in cupcakes for your kids' Halloween class party only to be told that they weren't gluten-free and, due to allergies in the classroom, the teacher couldn't accept them? That was you, too. 

Who is it that goes into the scary basement and digs in bins for fake cobwebs and rubber bats and plastic skeletons to decorate the yard with for all the neighborhood trick-or-treaters? YOU. 

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Who helps make or buy the perfect costume, applies the makeup, gets the kids ready to go out, and then cleans up after? You. 

Who is it that takes them door-to-door and stands outside in the cold and sometimes rainy weather yelling after them to "remember to say please and thank you!" when they would rather be at home, curled up on the sofa and binge-watching American Horror Story? You, Mom, you! 

Who is going to be awake the day after Halloween, taking down decorations, putting away costumes, worrying about the fact that they have less than 28 days to find their good gravy boat, and making a cell phone reminder to buy French's fried onions for green bean casserole when they go on sale next week? YOU. 

Now, I know dads help with some of this stuff too, but let them worry about stealing their own candy. It's us moms who usually do the bulk of this stuff come any holiday. 

And if a few Milky Ways and Snickers bars end up missing from your kids' Halloween haul? Just tell them it's mom tax for being their mom. One Halloween in the future they can do the same thing to their kids. 


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