Parenting

Mom Says 'Toxic' In-Laws Are Bullying Her Kids & She Doesn't Know What to Do

ParentingPublished Jun 3, 2019
By Kaitlin Stanford
Mother comforts child who is upset.iStock/fizkes

We talk a lot about ending the bullying epidemic. We launch campaigns to combat it in schools and online, and talk to our kids about how they can be allies to others who they see being teased. But what about when the bully isn't the other kid? What about when the bully is an adult -- and worse yet, a relative, who should be supportive and love you unconditionally? That's exactly the predicament one mom on Reddit is saying her kids are facing, and she's beside herself with how to come to their aid.

These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
The anonymous post was written by a woman who says her children are getting teased by her soon-to-be ex-in-laws.-placeholder
The anonymous post was written by a woman who says her children are getting teased by her soon-to-be ex-in-laws.
Reddit

The anonymous post was written by a woman who says her children are getting teased by her soon-to-be ex-in-laws.

That's right -- as in, Grandma and Grandpa. (Plus, an older uncle.)

While in the process of getting a divorce, her husband has moved back in with his parents, who she describes as ultra-conservative and ultra-critical. And lately, their harsh comments and prejudices have started to impact her own kids, whenever they're over visiting their father.

First came the remarks her 12-year-old overheard one day, after their uncle made comments about his weight.

According to the poster, her son came home to her "visibly upset" and crying after he heard his uncle "talking about how fat he is." And not just minor jabs, either (though even that would be cruel and uncalled for).

The uncle apparently said things like, "[If that] kid dies, they won't find a body bag big enough to fit around him." (What?) There were also some comments alluding to her son being "slow" and too sensitive. 

And he wasn't talking to just anyone either -- the uncle was apparently talking to the grandmother and the poster's other child, who then told her how upset the conversation made him.

"They all also made other more passive gestures and comments shaming my 12yo's weight, ADHD, asthma, and sensitive personality," the poster shared.

Sadly, this wasn't a total surprise -- the mom says her husband's family has a history of making comments like these.

But still -- WTF?

And as if that incident alone wasn't enough, her other kids proceeded to tell her other horror stories from the weekend that made them upset.

Both the uncle and the grandfather are homophobes, according to the poster, which is particularly upsetting to her 13-year-old, who hasn't come out yet.

"None of the adults in that house -- including my ex -- know that, as he (rightfully) doesn't feel safe coming out to them," the poster shared.

Still, the derogatory, anti-gay comments keep flying.

Like the moment the grandfather saw some acne near her 13-year-old's mouth and asked him point-blank: "What's that thing in your face? You been kissing boys?" 

Visibly uncomfortable, the boy informed him it was a zit, the poster shared.

The grandfather's reply? "Good."

The blatant homophobia also stings when matters of gender stereotypes come up -- which apparently happens a lot.

This mostly comes up with her 7-year-old boy, who the in-laws often try to steer toward "traditionally masculine" things. 

But the poster's son marches to the beat of his own drum -- and she's proud of him for that.

"He's happier wearing leggings (they're more comfortable), is trying to grow his hair out (he wants a 'man-bun'), and often lets his sister paint his nails," the poster writes.

Instead of embracing him for the kid he is, she claims they're trying to force him to be the boy they think he should be. 

"They have coerced him to get his hair cut multiple times, ('long hair is for girls') even though he always bursts into tears about it when he gets home," she shared. "They also unpolished his nails ('boys don't paint their nails') and mysteriously never have the clothes he prefers available to him."

Making matters worse is that the in-laws often favor the poster's daughter, calling her "pretty" and complimenting her small stature.

The in-laws have basically made her kids feel uncomfortable or pitted them against one another at every turn, and the poster isn't quite sure what to do, because it seems her husband isn't much help when it comes to fixing the problem.  

So she turned to the good people of Reddit to help her navigate this one. And they definitely stepped in to offer their best advice.

A lot of the advice got serious about how she should approach the situation in light of the divorce.

"That's rough," wrote one user. "It sounds like the best route is a modified custody agreement, with your children testifying about what they've experienced at their grandparents' house. There are so many ways for [your husband] to stay involved in their life without exposing them to that kind of mistreatment."

Others got real about intervening directly and removing her kids from the situation -- without waiting a moment more.

"There is not a stress-free option available," wrote another Reddit user. "Hoping that your husband’s family just snaps out of it and improves their behavior amounts to stalling. Addressing them about it without removing your children from the environment will make the abuse worse ... your sons are targets."

Others urged the poster to document her children's stories as best she can.

"Tell your kids to send you a text every time something like this happens," wrote one user, "so you can take it to the court and have proof."

To this, the poster hesitated to agree, arguing that she worries making her children testify in court will cause them severe emotional trauma.

"Sorry, but no," one user snapped back. "Your job is to protect your children and they are being emotionally abused. Go to court and get the custody order changed. Don’t keep your children from their father, but you can attempt to keep them away from his sh*t family. Start documenting everything and go from there. This isn’t okay and wouldn’t fly with me."

(Oh snap!)

In the end though, there were plenty of others who jumped in to quell all the in-fighting, and remind the mom that she's doing a great job.

"I just want to say that you seem like a really great, empathetic parent," wrote one user. "I am glad that your kids trust you enough to talk to you about these issues and that you are attempting to handle a really delicate, complex situation in a positive and constructive way. No doubt you've gotten plenty of actual advice already in this post, but I just wanted to affirm that it's clear you're doing a great job."

No word yet on how or even if the mom will reach out to the courts to seek a new custody arrangement, but here's hoping something changes, for the sake of those kids.

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