My oldest son will be 9 years old next month, and I do not suffer from that common motherly state of disbelief that my precious little newborn could possibly be such a big kid. Sure, I get nostalgic over his baby photos and all, but the reality is that it feels pretty much exactly like it's been 9 years. The part I can't wrap my head around is my own age: if I add 9 to my age when I gave birth to him, it would seem that I am officially 40 and change now. What?
There's no point in wasting too much energy fighting the aging process, since the alternative is, well, DEATH, but that doesn't mean I don't have a few complaints. For instance, here's my list of the most annoying things about being a 40+ mom.
1. All the other moms seem younger. I know it's not actually true, but it sure feels that way. I expect moms of babies to be younger, but I swear the moms of kids my own kids' age are all in their late 20s or early 30s. What's up with that?
2. Those tiny chairs in the kids' classroom hurt like hell. One of these days there's going to be a parent-teacher meeting where I have to take the chair with me when I go, like a hermit crab, because I can't pry myself back out of it.
3. I resent every unwrinkled, well-rested young mom making festive octopus-shaped dinner rolls in that FamilyFun magazine. Real talk: I just subscribed to More. Yes, the middle-aged lady magazine. It's refreshingly devoid of adorable Pinterest crafts.
4. I'm too old for new math tricks. My 8-year-old's math homework is totally incomprehensible to me and I cannot be expected to learn new methods of doing basic addition, okay? My brain is rusty and set in its ways.
5. The legal drinking age never stops blowing my mind. You know when you're buying groceries and you see that little sign at the checkout, "To purchase alcohol a person must be born on or before today's date in --" and then there's a number listed that's TOTALLY CRAZY? What do you mean, 1993? Those people are infants. They shouldn't even be allowed to ride front-facing in a car.
6. Things my kids love are remakes of things that were popular when I was a kid and my kids think those things are deeply lame. Whatever with your Michael Bay explosions, whippersnappers. Our Transformers had a bitchin' theme song that tried to rhyme "disguise" with "meets the eye."
7. When did kid movie previews get so loud? How to Train Your Eardrums to Explode Right Out of Your Damn Head, more like.
8. My aging digestive system is no match for my kids' leftovers. It doesn't seem like eating the rind of a forgotten Eggo would cause me to bloat so hard the button violently shoots off my waistband and rebounds off the wall, and yet here we are.
9. My kids heard a ringing land line at our neighbor's house and were totally confused by the exotic sound. Then I regaled them with the horrifying tales of a time when children couldn't skip commercials on the TV ... and the picture was black-and-white.
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10. Taking the kids to the pool is an ongoing lesson in self-affirmation. Here's what I've learned about being 40: it doesn't matter how in shape you are, or whether or not you've taken off those pesky extra 10 pounds (or added 20) ... at this age, there's an entirely new thing to feel self-conscious about, and that's the fact that harsh noon sunlight casts an extremely unflattering spotlight on every single middle-aged woman's skin, probably even Jennifer Aniston's. I don't mean the skin on your face, either. I'm talking about the fact that even the most Pilates-toned bodies start looking like a cheap Old Navy shirt that's been crumpled in the bottom of a hamper for a while, and there's NOTHING that can be done about it, so you either stop wearing bathing suits altogether (screw that!) or you suck it up, bare your saggy lumpy loose new skin with pride, and try not to creepily hiss at the teenagers to "CHERISH YOUR COLLAGEN WHILE IT LASTS, GIRRRRRRLLSSSSS."
Where my 40-and-fabulous (but don't talk to us before coffee, moisturizer, and concealer) moms at? What would you add to this list?
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