It's evening, the lights are low, and you're feeling frisky. You look across the table to your husband and notice he's looking especially hot tonight. He didn't have time to shave this morning, and he's wearing that shirt you bought him for Father's Day, the one that actually fits him. Is he feeling the same way you are? Your eyes meet and you're just about to suggest something naughty when -- OH YEAH, THE KIDS!
No matter what your kids' ages, they definitely do not want to hear about what you have in mind. That's why countless couples have come up with their own secret code words for talking about sex in front of the kids.
1. Sex is work. Some of you make sex sound like a chore. Practical? Yes. Sad? Also yes! "Folding laundry," "moving some boxes," and "balancing the checkbook" are just a few examples. There's also, "It's time to do your job." (A wife to her husband -- like the implications there.) And there's "the meeting," as in, "Mom and Dad are going to talk about things in a grown-up meeting."
2. Other parents make sex sound downright tiring. "How tired are you tonight?" It sounds like a polite inquiry, like maybe we should turn in early, know what I mean? "It's time for a nap," which goes for both the parents and the kids because, well, you know.
3. Then there are all the euphemisms taken from TV shows and movies. Apparently a LOT of you like using the simple word, "relations," from Family Guy. One couple goes, "How you doin'?" in their best Joey from Friends voice. And many parents love "coloring" together -- one stolen from the Sex and the City movie. You may suggest "putting up a shelf" -- from Mr. Roper of Three's Company. My favorite has to be "It's business time," from Flight of the Conchords.
4. And then there are the euphemisms that make no sense at all ... to me. "We call sex 'red,'" one mother reports. How do you use it? "It's time for red." "Red is happening right now." "We have a red situation happening in the bedroom at 9 p.m. tonight." Another couple calls it "pootananny."
5. Some couples let their kids come up with the code. A couple's kids overheard their parents having sex one night (kids' bedroom below the parents') and asked the next morning why it sounded like they were marching in place last night. From then on they called it "marching."
5. Some code phrases are a little TMI. I will leave "do you want a brown banana later?" to your imagination. Also, "Donkey Kong" is probably self-explanatory. And "wanna play bongos?" is ... evocative. So is "I'm in the mood for some pound cake later on." Wink, wink.
What code words or phrases do you use to talk about sex and the kids are in the room?
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