There are certain secrets we moms keep to ensure the survival of our species. It’s not like we took an oath to keep them, it’s more of an unconscious phenomenon — like we’re programmed to omit certain details about parenting life from conversations on an evolutionary level.

I kinda wish I’d been privy to this classified information beforehand, not that I could’ve prepared, but, like, full disclosure people! So I will go against my internal programming and divulge some things parents let you find out for yourselves.

1. The first poop you make after giving birth is incredibly, horribly awful! I did not know this until I was in the hospital and was told I couldn’t leave until I’d jumped this hurdle. 1A. Do not attempt to make said poop in your sitz bath (that’s a small tub for your nether regions that fits over the toilet). Let’s just say a non-parent friend suggested I do so to make it easier on my monster episiotomy, and the nurse walked in and said these words: “What are you doing? We do not poop in our baths!” Yes, as a grown woman, I had to hear those words come from another grown woman in sheer horror and disgust.

2. Kids are gross. Everyone loves to share adorable pictures of their precious kids doing the cutest things and tales of their lovable babes asking hilarious questions, but in reality, the cute to gross ratio is pretty even (also we find some of the gross things cute). Kids fart and burp for amusement. They dig and itch at their crotches in ways that make people wonder if you've ever bathed them. They eat their boogers, they finger paint with poop, and they lick things -- bacteria-ridden things, like car keys and remotes. Plus, they’re naturally unhygienic -- you’ll see how many years you have to tell them to brush their teeth before they do it on their own ...

3. Kids are annoying. Maybe we don’t share this because we love them so much or maybe we learn to tune it out. But kids will make the same sound 50 times in a row because, well, they feel like it. They will ignore you when in earshot. They will say "no" when they should say "yes." They will make you watch them perform "The Cup Song" or "Let It Go" so many times, you’ll want to rip your ears off. They will climb on you, poke you, and fall to the floor screaming in public places because it’s Tuesday. And once they get your sarcasm and you think it’s all cute, they will use it against you while rolling their eyes at you.

4. They will embarrass you. Kids are like a game of Telephone gone more awry than a game of Telephone. Not only will they repeat things you say and tell your secrets, they will make stuff up and repeat that too. I had one child over for a playdate tell me his mom had a penis, and my own little imp told a friend that she couldn’t sleep over because I said she gives me a headache.

5. Kids will make you into a liar. Wait until you forget, I mean the Tooth Fairy forgets to pay for a tooth. You will make up fantastical tales about her day off. You will tell your kids that they don’t have ketchup at the drive-through to save your car and that Chuck E. Cheese's is under construction to save your sanity. Just wait ...

6. Kids are mean. Well, brutally honest. Here are a few things I’ve learned about myself from my sweet darlings. My varicose veins look like GPS, my eyes are squinty, my breath is stinky, my toenails are weird, and I’m not funny. I sound awesome, I know!

7.  They will turn on you. When your kids hit the tween years, they will be replaced by alien children who look the same but act like idiots, hole up in their room, and find you to be the biggest loser ever. Of course this happened when we were kids too, yet you’ll believe you’re so much cooler than your parents were. You’ll assume your sweet little ones that are all snuggly and mushy will skip that phase and want to hang with you because you’re that awesome. Bwahahahahahahahahah cough cough choke haha choke *guzzles water* bwahahahaha. (Sorry, I thought that too.)

Well, the vault has been opened; the secrets are in your hands; share them wisely. I don’t know what you can do to prepare for the apocalypse that is parenting, but you’ll survive it and look back on these moments fondly (well, most of them).

What motherhood secret do you wish someone had divulged to you BEFORE the kids came along?

 

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