Terrible Parenting Inventions That Solve the Wrong Freaking Problem

LOL 29

Do you watch Shark Tank, the show where entrepreneurs pitch their business ideas to a panel of potential investors? My husband and I are borderline obsessed with it; I can't think of another show that feels so interactive in terms of causing us to repeatedly pause the TV so we can hash out our opinions of any given deal ("Ugh, royalty in perpetuity? Classic Mr. Wonderful" "Oh what a complete surprise, Robert's out, who could have seen this coming?").

I like assessing the products I see on the show, but I can't help noticing that out of all the various parenting-focused products that have cropped up lately, none of them truly address MY needs. In fact, it seems like for every day-to-day parenting challenge I face, someone out there has invented a solution ... that doesn't even remotely solve the problem.

Here's what I'm talking about:

PROBLEM: It's difficult to get all the peanut butter out of a large jar. You know when you're down to the final half-inch or so and you can't get the dregs out without smearing PB all over your hand?

EXISTING INVENTION: The silicon "PB N'J Spreader" utensil.

Are you supposed to scoop out the jelly with the grape side, then spread it with the peanut? THIS IS JUST WRONG.

MY SUGGESTION: Make a Jif container with a second lid on the bottom. BAM.


PROBLEM: Kids leave their dirty laundry all over the floor instead of in the hamper.

EXISTING INVENTION: The "Dunk Your Laundry" door hanging laundry basket.


Because that doesn't look flimsy and too small and like a saggy sock-filled testicle conspicuously displayed in your kid's room.

 
MY SUGGESTION: A pressure-sensitive mat you put near the hamper that produces an earsplitting air horn alarm if someone carelessly tosses their jeans on the floor.


PROBLEM: Boys make toilets gross.

EXISTING INVENTION: Multiple lids, one for each member of the household.


Mmmmm, layered urine crust sandwich. Can't wait to clean not one, but several peed-on lids at a time.

MY SUGGESTION: Toilet with moisture-detecting sensors built into the seat, lid, and base. User must wear a collar during elimination, when moisture is present, collar delivers electric shocks of varying intensity and duration. Adult sizes also available.


PROBLEM: Children whine when their cereal gets soggy as a result of their own breakfast-related shenanigans.

SOLUTION: The $20 "Never-Soggy Cereal Bowl," which allows you to dip each cereal spoonful into a separate container of milk for "the perfect bite every time."


First worldiest first world bowl ever.

MY SUGGESTION: You goofed around with your brother for too long and now your Frosted Flakes are a little bit mushy?

What parenting-related product do you wish someone would invent?


Image via scottlipsey/Flickr

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