When your child hits tweenhood, everything becomes bothersome, especially you. All the injustices of the world are highlighted with eye-rolls, grunts, and blank stares.
I'm taking advantage of this time by being extra annoying. For instance, when I'm sitting in the garage waiting for J, my 12-year-old son, to exit the house, I watch the door intently. As soon as he cracks it open, I beep. J startles, without fail, and glares at me as if I've done something unforgivable, like smashed his Beats or released all the remaining Axe body spray from the can.
Some mornings, I let him get all the way to the car without honking. He mouths, "Don't do it," and I show him my hands. Then as he grasps the car door, I slam on the horn all ninja-like.
He jumps, gives me a scowl, I laugh, and then he ignores me on the way to the bus. He exits, I yell, "I love you," he mumbles it back, and we go on with our day.
You really don't have to work that hard to piss off a tween, any of the following could work:
1. Ask them about their day.
2. Suggest they wear something warm.
3. Allow something to come to an end, like a party, a tournament ... the weekend.
4. Be undressed when they walk into your closet or bathroom (ewww mom).
5. Recognize them when you see them somewhere crazy, like the place you just dropped them off.
6. Forget to wash something they wanted to wear even though you had no idea they wanted to wear it.
7. Not know that they wanted to wear the thing you didn't wash.
8. Look in the direction of their phones when a text comes through -- as if you can read it from 30 feet away.
9. Lack the ability to read their minds.
10. Comment, like, or refer to anything on their Instagram/Facebook/Snapchat/Twitter feeds.
11. Mention a grievous error in the check to a waiter.
12. Give them anything less than your full undivided attention when they do want to talk.
13. Tell a joke to an adult in front of them.
14. Talk to their friends.
15. Sing along with songs that come on the radio.
16. Beat them at something they're good at i.e., Flappy Bird, a ping pong match, Geometry Dash.
17. Remind them of words they used to mispronounce.
18. Ask if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
19. Return your meal.
20. Write a blog titled "36 Ways You Know You Have a Tween."
21. Say the words "penis" or "vagina" in any context.
22. Tell them they're too young to watch anything their friends (by that I mean one friend) have seen: i.e., Saw, Final Destination, Hot Tub Time Machine, The Wolf of Wall Street
23. Attempt to use current slang in conversation.
24. Ask if they've hit puberty yet.
25. Hug them when they don't initiate.
Try any of these and you'll be annoying the crap out of your tween in no time. Good luck.
What do you do that drives your tween up the wall?
Image via JennyFromTheBlog/TheSuburbanJungle