Handy Guide of Lies to Tell Kids Asking What Those Dirty Song Lyrics Mean​

“Mommy, what’s S&M?” That’s what my sweet and innocent 8-year-old daughter recently asked me while driving home from school. Yeah, THANKS Rihanna. Thanks a lot. Fortunately, when this question came up, we were at a red light. I probably would have swerved and hit a passing pedestrian or light post otherwise.

My second grader and I had been listening to the radio, some random Top 40 “we play the hits you wanna hear” type station.

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We usually listen to books on tape (currently we’re in the middle of Edger Eager’s magnificent Half Magic) or tune into a kid-centric music station on Pandora. But every so often, I throw caution to the wind and put on local radio. The thing with radio is you never know what will be played next, which is a blessing and a curse. The randomness is fun, but if they start playing something that may not be age appropriate, then you are left answering questions you really aren’t ready for, such as, “What’s S&M?”

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So, how do you answer these types of inquiries from your ever-so-curious kids? In many cases, the truth just shouldn’t be shared. You wouldn’t want to tell your second grader, “Well, S&M stands for Sadism and Masochism, the practice of giving and receiving pain as a sexual act.” No, just no. What can we say instead? Here is a handy guide of various misdirections to give to your kid when they ask about current and recent pop songs that are on heavy rotation:

"S&M" by Rihanna
The Questionable Line: The chorus of “S&M” repeated.
Parental Spin: “S&M stands for Sally and Michael! It’s their initials, it’s a love song, isn’t that sweet?” Hopefully your kids won’t focus in on the line, “Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it,” because there really aren’t that many ways to spin that one.

"Tik Tok" by Ke$ha
The Questionable Line: “Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack."
Parental Spin: “Jack, well, that’s a special mouthwash that adults use. But you should never use it. Recent studies show that it actually causes cavities instead of preventing them. So never ever brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack ... ever.”

"Locked Out of Heaven" by Bruno Mars
The Questionable Line: “Cause your sex takes me to paradise. Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise."
Parental Spin: “Oh, he’s not saying 'sex,' he’s saying 'TEXT.' His girlfriend is sending him really nice text messages that make him very happy."

"Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke
The Questionable Line: “You the hottest b&*ch in this place."
Parental Spin: “He’s talking about a female dog. Maybe he’s at the SPCA or he just really loves puppies."

“We Can’t Stop” by Miley Cyrus
The Questionable Line: “Everyone in line in the bathroom trying to get a line in the bathroom."
Parental Spin: “She’s singing about a line of toilet paper; sometimes busy places run out. You want to make sure you have a few squares.”

"I Love It” by Icona Pop
The Questionable Line: “You’re from the '70s and I’m a '90s b*&ch."
Parental Spin: “She’s saying pitch, it’s a song about softball and how mad she is that her team lost even though she throws really fast."

"Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO
The Questionable Line: “I'm running through these hoes like Drano.”
Parental Spin: “Hose is a word for nylon tights, he’s dancing so hard that he’s totally ruining his clothing!”

What song lyrics have left you scrambling for a kid-appropriate answer?

 

Image via Amazon.com

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