The other day I sent my husband a frantic email asking, "Did you remember to put [our daughter's] lunchbag in her bookbag this morning?" These are the sort of questions that haunt me now that I'm a mom. Did I pick up a present for little Johnny's LEGO birthday party this weekend? Will the stretch marks EVER fade? Will my boobs ever look like they did when I was 20?
Yes, it's true, ladies, you are the same woman after kids. But the questions that plague you are not. Behold ... if you ask yourself any of the following on a regular basis, well, you might just be a mom!
1. Is that poop on my hand?
2. (During sex): Oh my God, did I just hear footsteps?
3. Is that someone breaking into the house or did the dog just step on the See N Say again?
4. How looooong until bedtime?
5. When is the last time I ate a meal that wasn't in nugget form?
6. Who even thought to call them nuggets anymore? Doesn't that sound like something you'd dig out of your nose?
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7. Speaking of noses ... is that leftover food stuck to the table or a dried booger?
8. Is cereal for dinner healthy? Oh screw it. KIDS! Rice Krispies!
9. Do I REALLY get to go to the grocery store alone tonight? Yippee!
10. Did I take the frog out of his pocket before I threw those jeans in the wash?
11. Does this minivan make me look like a mom?
12. Is this song from Yo Gabba Gabba or The Wiggles?
13. Is Sleeping Beauty's real name Aurora or is that Snow White? Which one has the little dwarves and which one has the fairies? And why do I care again?
14. Is there a kid with peanut allergies in Sam's class or is that the one in Lila's? Or is the kid in Lila's class allergic to strawberries? Crap ... I hope we have turkey.
15. Will they need therapy if I keep calling them by the dog's name?
16. WHY did I sign up to be a chaperone? WHY?
17. Cheddar Bunnies or Goldfish?
18. If I joke that I want to sell my kids to the zoo on Facebook will someone report me to CPS?
19. Does Twilight Sparkle have the purple mane or the pink one?
20. What the heck is a Ninjago anyway?
21. Is Chuck E. Cheese the 7th circle of hell or is that a playdate with Jimmy and his mom? Maybe the 9th circle?
22. Can they really tell this is a diaper bag?
23. How do you get Desitin out of carpet?
24. Will my kids be embarrassed if I wear a bikini? Will I be?
25. Do LEGOs sprout extra pointy edges in the middle of the night?
What is your "Oh God, I'm such a mom" question that you find yourself asking?
Image via IAN HOOTON/Science Photo Library/Corbis