Parents, have you broken the news to your kids about you-know-who? WARNING: This post is NSFK (not safe for kids). Quick, make sure your children aren't reading over your shoulder. I'm talking about Planta Plaus. Get it? Seriously, please take your iPad into the bathroom and shut the door so we can talk about this video like adults. It's worth it, I promise. P.S. I don't know what this man in the photo is talking about (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). How strange that he's wearing that hat and saying "Just be honest." He's probably talking about children's bedtimes or eating liver.
Okay, are you finally away from the kids? Phew! Okay, you have to see this video about how to tell your kids there's no Santa. (This is the part of the post where you resist the temptation to write a comment telling me I spoiled the surprise for your kid, who was reading over your shoulder. Didn't I warn you? P.S., Matthew Crawley died in a tragic auto accident in last season's Downton Abbey.)
Cranky old man Mr. Forthright is here to give us his sage advice for breaking the news to our kids. But you'll find his advice isn't really that helpful -- mostly they're a string a jokes about Santa and you should definitely NOT try any of these at home. Here's a few of my favorites.
1. "First tell your kids you're not actually their parents; that way you'll lighten the blow when you tell them there's no Santa." Yes, I like it -- give them news that's even worse than the real news you're delivering. There's a sick kind of logic to that. But I'm concerned about the likely consequences of this strategy, i.e., they'll never listen to you about anything ever again.
2. "Let the Elf on a Shelf do your dirty work."
That smarmy little twerp. The kids are already creeped out by him -- might as well let him take the heat. Right? But if he's not real, and there is no Santa, whom will your children turn to to vent their shock and disappointment?
3. Mr. Forthright then proposes an elaborate prank involving shoving your kid up the chimney to prove it's too small for a man of Santa's girth. Yup, that's going to work. What could possibly go wrong there?
4. "Blame it on global warming. Sorry, the North Pole melted. We used up too much electricity. Especially you." (Say that pointing to your kid.) Shifting the blame to your kid -- that's genius. I like it!
5. Inform your child that there's a restraining order for Santa from every kid on the planet -- for spying on kids while they sleep. "Now he's got 50 to life from the state." Ewwww! Too much, Mr. Forthright. You've officially taken the joke way too far. (Don't tell the other parents I'm laughing my head off right now.)
How do you plan to break the truth about Santa Claus to your kids?
Image via MR. FORTHRIGHT/YouTube