Dear Gwyneth Paltrow:
I have followed your exploits from afar. Like most people who feel they can freely comment on those in the public eye whom they have never met in person, I feel that you are basically a well-meaning but occasionally misguided person. For instance, not feeding your kids carbs. And then there was that whole thing where you almost killed Apple on your Vespa. But, hey, Gwyneth, moms make mistakes. Now, however, I feel I must speak up.
I have just read that you force your kids to speak Spanish sometimes. I know you speak Spanish, and you probably want Apple and Moses to grow up realizing that there are other languages and cultures in the world besides American and British -- but have you thought seriously about the ramifications of this type of tongue brutality?
Gwyneth, may I call you Gwyn? Your children are just 9 and 7. This is an extremely fragile time in their lives. Their tongues are still growing. Having their little tongues twist around the guttural sounds of Spanish could be downright dangerous if not properly monitored.
I myself took French, but when I was 11. And I did it in a safe educational environment carefully watched over by professional instructors. My French teacher was there to make certain that at no time did I become confused or possibly think, for even a second, that I was French. For instance, when she called me "Chantal," my French name, she made certain that I knew this was all just for class, lest I suffer any long-term crippling identity issues regarding my name or nationality. Are you doing that Gwyneth?
What happens, for example, when you ask your kids, "Le gustaría un poco de agua?" and they don't know what you're saying? That's right, they could go thirsty. This is serious stuff, my exercise-loving, gluten-hating friend.
What if, for example, little Moses' friend says, "Hello, Moses!" and he replies, "Hola!" For God's sake, do you want him bullied?!
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Gwyn, I'm sure you have your kids' best interests at heart. A source told US Weekly that you were making your kids speak Spanish at a party and that Apple actually came up and asked you, en Español, if she could sit on your lap. This could be a sign of emotional regression due to her confusion over her identity. Perhaps you need to look into a therapist for the little ones.
Gwyneth, when your kids are wondering whether they're in the West Village or Guatemala, this isn't anything to take lightly. You might think you are expanding their horizons, but carbless Spanish-speaking kids are 24 times more likely to get divorced. FACT!
Please think seriously about this Spanish-speaking regiment that you are forcing on your innocent children. I trust that this was all done out of extreme ignorance of the dangers of urging children into becoming polyglots before their time.
Please be aware that I have nothing but your children's welfare in mind -- because this is my job. Gracias por escuchar.
What do you think of Gwyneth's ill-conceived and borderline cruel Spanish-speaking mandate?
Image via yausser/Flickr