Here’s the thing about thoughtful, considerate, health-conscious parents: They always ruin it for the rest of us, including Halloween. At some point over the last few years, some responsible mommy got her panties in a wad and decided kids needed something other than pure unadulterated candy at Halloween. Something safe, healthy, and/or useful.
Screw that. Give the kids something beneficial all the other 364 days of the year. On Halloween, give them chocolate and sugar. Indulging them this one day out of the year won’t make them obese. With that in mind, I refuse to hand out any of these candy alternatives ...
1. Raisins. Happy Halloween, kids! Have a box of humiliated grapes.
2. Pencils. Nothing says “I am the least fun person ever” like a mom distributing school supplies.
3. Toothbrushes. I know you’re a dentist, but give me a break. Give the kids a free toothbrush when they visit you next month to treat their Halloween-fallout cavities.
4. Halloween erasers. First, novelty erasers barely work as erasers, which is like owning a pair of scissors that aren’t made for cutting. Second, they will become stupid and outdated the minute the calendar rolls over to November 1. Also, you can’t eat them.
5. Pennies. I don’t care if you’ve carefully counted out twenty of them and put them in a cute bag. Pennies are a worthless annoyance, even in quantities of twenty. Especially in quantities of twenty. In fact, I’d rather you just give me the cute bag.
6. Stickers. Because they will end up on my floor, or the windows of my car, or the bottom of my shoe, or in someone’s hair. No.
7. Religious crap. I respect your faith, but not your intent to impose it on my children. No Bible verse cards. No tiny Bibles. And, sweet Jesus, no pamphlets about how Halloween is satanic. You know what’s legitimately evil? Not giving out candy.
8. Juice boxes. Might as well hand out water guns filled with grape juice.
9. Apples. You know who’s always handing out apples in the fairy tales? Witches, that’s who.
10. Coupon booklets. Halloween is about the immediate gratification of 1) getting candy and 2) eating candy. Whereas a coupon involves 3) me having to take the kids somewhere to redeem the coupon and 4) probably having to buy something else. Too many steps. No thanks.
For children, Halloween is one of the highlights of the year, for approximately one reason: Candy. Quit ruining it with your responsible “treats,” humorless grown-ups. Give the kids the damn candy. You know, so I can eat it.
Image via Scary Mommy