10 Halloween Costumes My Kids Will Never Wear

Jill Smokler | Oct 24, 2013 Big Kid

Halloween is the new Christmas, it seems -- the decorations come out earlier than ever, children get excited, and parents go more than a little bit crazy. The costume competition can be intense, and somehow the kids’ costume plans never seem to match mine

Which is fine, I guess. You can’t win them all. But there are some costumes I refuse to let my kids wear. Ever.

If you happen to see any of these types of costumes at your door this year -- and I imagine you will -- you can be assured those aren’t my kids in the inflatable slutty Gothic gangster ballerina costumes.

Will they be yours?

Image via Scary Mommy

  • The Grim Reaper


    Nothing better than looking at my precious, wide-eyed young children and thinking about, you know, Death. No, thank you!

  • Evil Clown


    Clowns are creepy enough already. Labeling them “evil” and adding scary makeup is plain redundant.

  • Sexy, Slutty, Sassy, or Flirty ... Anything!


    You won’t find the adjectives “sexy” and “slutty” on children’s costumes, but “sassy” and “flirty” costumes are definitely available for girls. Regardless, all those words means the same thing, which is why I once referred to Halloween as “dress your daughter as a whore day.”

  • Child Gangster


    Because nothing says “innocent fun” like a 5-year-old posing as a criminal and carrying a fake assault weapon.

  • Jumpsuits


    Because nature will call and getting them dressed the first time is hard enough. Undressing them entirely in some nasty public restroom so they can do their business? No thanks.

  • Biblical Costumes


    If I ever let my child dress as Moses or the Virgin Mary for Halloween, I give you permission to steal my kids’ candy. It breaks the seventh commandment but I don’t care.

  • Gothic Ballerina


    I've seen this costume everywhere ... why is this a thing? Were the ancient Goths known for their dark, spooky performances of Swan Lake? I don’t understand.

  • No Hands!


    Here’s an easy rule: If your kid can’t hold his or her own trick-or-treat bag using his own limbs, it’s a stupid costume. I’m looking at you, toddler penguin costume with flipper arms.

  • Morph Skin Suit


    They make these for children now. Call me crazy, but I’m not quite ready to introduce my kids to skintight BDSM/fetish gear. I'm still hoping the Fifty Shades excitement dies down before they're old enough to learn about it.

  • Air Pump Required


    Giant inflatable skeleton head. Inflatable Jabba the Hutt. Inflatable sumo guy. Inflatable ostrich. I haven’t got the time or the lung capacity, kids, and I’m sure as hell not toting around a bicycle pump and patch kit all night.