Dear readers, I have shocking news for you all. Are you sitting down? Okay, here it is. According to the latest totally necessary scientific study of things that should be obvious, American moms are more exhausted than dads are.
I know what you're yelling at your monitor right now: GTFOH! Moms more exhausted than dads?!? No. Freaking. Way.
Way, readers! Way. I could go into detail, telling you exactly why the scientists think this may be the case. But I think we can all recite the reasons, chapter and verse, in unison. Maybe even set to music with a special dance, except probably not because we're all too damn tired.
You know what, science? Thanks for the research and all. I know you mean well. But fucking DUH, why don't you look into something we don't already know instead of proving something that's already tattooed on the bags underneath our eyes. (I know that doesn't make sense -- I'm really tired.) No, you know what? You just keep being you. In fact, here's some more parenting studies you could do to further prove things we already know to be true.
1. Parents of picky eaters experience less satisfaction at meal times.
2. Diapers become far more toxic once infants go on solid foods.
3. Being interrupted 700 times a day has a cumulatively stressful effect on your nerves.
4. Grocery shopping takes longer when you bring your children with you.
5. In any given moment, 40 percent of all the children in America have a runny nose.
6. There is no monster under your kid's bed.
7. Children are more likely to need their mothers when their mothers are trying to have a quiet bowel movement alone with the goddamn door closed. Can't you guess what I'm doing in here?!?
8. My son is cuter and smarter than 95 percent of all other children.
9. Children who wet the bed into their elementary and middle-school years experience shame and anxiety.
10. The middle child doesn't feel special, ever.
11. Children are why you can't have nice things.
12. Childbirth hurts like hell.
13. Parenting is a mixed bag of satisfaction, dissatisfaction, turmoil, joy, white-hot fury, ecstasy, and mind-numbing boredom.
What other totally obvious parenting truths should scientists study?
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