TV is the best babysitter on Earth. You know it and I know it. Free, always available, and sure to entertain your kids while you shower or cook dinner ... but have you ever really thought about what your kids are watching when they flip on a channel dedicated to them? My ingenious community members did and came up with far more honest descriptions for children's shows than TV Guide would ever admit ...
1. Dora the Explorer: "A 5-year-old girl whose parents clearly don't care for her, as she spends her days accompanied by a neurotic monkey trying to ford rivers, climb mountains, and traverse jungles. She appears to attend school only sporadically and eats only berries she finds on a hill occupied by a malevolent fox. This poor child clearly also has hearing issues, as she is unable to modulate her voice and shouts every word she says."
2. Barney: "A giant purple creep who is constantly try to hug little children in hopes of earning their trust."
3. Blue's Clues: "Some dude on acid thinks he has a blue puppy and the need for a notebook because he's too stoned out of his mind to remember he had to take the puppy to his mom's house where she has a magenta puppy."
4. Caillou: "An incessantly whiny (and mysteriously bald) brat who always wants his way, yet always sees the wisdom in mommy and daddy's decisions."
5. Bubble Guppies: "Set in a group home, the 'guppies' (slang for 'orphans') enjoy daily field trips and surprises geared toward finding each of them their ideal career, in the hopes that they will become employable citizens rather than homeless drug addicts, as is stereotypical of children growing up in the system. Uncle Ted from Bobby's World (in fish form) seems to have endless funding and patience to provide everything for the guppies, including a puppy, one that he inevitably has to take care of most."
6. Dino Dan: "Child has super obsession with dinosaurs to the point that he hallucinates their presence in modern day society. Friends, family, and other adults ignore child's need for therapy. No one tells him to shut the fuck up about the damn dinosaurs when he brings up extraneous Dino facts in every conversation."
7. Max and Ruby: "Two very young children are neglected by parents and left to fend for themselves. Max can only use one word a day to describe what he needs. Ruby has to go to bunny scouts every day. Ruby tries to be mom and dad to Max and usually loses him or puts him in harm's way."
8. Team Umizoomi: "Two overzealous children and the robot who cares for them going on adventures throughout a big city which measures distances not in inches or miles, but in units. The children are probably mutated crack babies, as they appear to be only four inches tall and have strange abilities, like making their hair grow long and creating real objects from two-dimensional shapes."
9. Special Agent Oso: "The adventures of an intellectually challenged bear who goes on missions to help kids even dumber than he is to do the simplest things imaginable, which they apparently can't manage without help. A true male fantasy, as the bear receives an award for literally every dumb thing he does."
10. Yo Gabba Gabba: "A tall, skinny disc jockey, with the fashion sense of an 18-year-old stereotypical gay man, takes your child into a musical world where three sculptured pieces of his own feces cleverly covered in colorful play-dough, a yellow robot, and a knobby dildo come to life and act out scenarios your child may face on a daily basis. Your child's attention will be hooked further through considerably low budget, psychedelic short videos portraying odd and rarely seen objects, real children dancing like idiots, and strobe-like computer graphics."
Maybe TV isn't the best babysitter after all.
Image via Jill Smokler