Every fall parents everywhere start the new school year with good intentions. We all pledge to do everything we can to support our children's education and show their teachers all the appreciation they deserve. And then we totally fall down on the job. Er, well, speaking for myself, anyway. There's just something about, oh, I don't know, doing the grocery shopping and running the household and going to work and having a life that kind of gets in the way of my being School Parent of the Year.
So you know what? This year I'm not even going to try. My new motto is: Under-promise and over-deliver, or failing that, just deliver. So here are six ways I will probably fail my son's teachers, so we're all prepared.
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1. I will never volunteer to chaperone a field trip. It's just not going to happen. Do you know why? Because. I have a job. Who are these other parents who can just take a whole day off to go to the museum with you all? We live in the most expensive city in the country. Don't they have to earn money of something? I sure as hell do!
2. I will buy the wrong school supplies. Look, some of you are getting way too specific. I mean, does that folder really have to be blue AND two-pocketed AND paper? Because I got to the store too late and all I see here is this plastic, pocket-less folder, but it's still blue. Also, here is a roll of toilet paper in lieu of a box of tissues. I think you know why.
3. I will forget when it's our week to bring snacks. You'll send me a very polite email on Monday afternoon informing me that I forgot. I will rush to the convenience store and start buying up all the crackers, not even caring that everyone else brings baby carrots, string cheese, and grapes.
4. I will show up late for parent-teacher conferences. It's the fucking bus! The 8:30 just never showed up. I swear, I'm really trying here. Also: I promise to get snippy and defensive when you begin with "well, we only have five minutes now, so ..." Let's just be grateful that I made it there at all.
5. I will need to be reminded to return important forms. I know there's like 400 of them. I'll get to them. Just go ahead and schedule about 10 reminder emails now, save yourself the trouble later.
6. I will send my son to school sick-ish. He'll have been over his fever for the required 48 hours or whatever it is. But he will still look miserable. Don't let his act fool you -- he's perfectly fine! And I cannot take another day of working from home. Please, just take him.
Here's what I will get right: I will deliver to your classroom this brilliant kid who loves to learn. You will like him a whole hell of a lot more than you'll like me, which is fine because you'll spend a whole hell of a lot more time with him than with me. And remember, just because I'm a total flake doesn't mean I don't appreciate the amazing work you do.
Are you a dependable parent or do you forget everything, too?
Image via Dave Haygath/Flickr