I'm not what you'd call an expert in a great many subjects. If I were to find myself in the horrifying position of suddenly appearing on Jeopardy, I'd be thoroughly screwed unless Decades-Old Simpsons Quotes was offered as a category. However, there's one topic I feel I have mastered over years of study and experimentation, and that's ranking the shittiness of any given child's toy in terms of the sensation it causes when you accidentally step on it.
Look, I'm not saying this is useful knowledge, I'm just saying that this is my gift. Some people can play the piano. Some can paint beautiful pictures. Some can perform complicated mathematical equations while simultaneously balancing spinning plates on the end of a stick. Me, I've learned through many instances of stepping on toys that while all of them suck, each sucks in its own special unique way -- and I can instantly chart the level of suck as soon as my foot makes contact.
1) STUFFED ANIMAL.
Suck level on a scale of 1 to 10: 3. I know, you're thinking that a stuffed animal isn't that bad because it's soft, but trust me, blindly stepping on one can cause serious injury because all your brain registers as first is SOME SORT OF CREATURE and you think it's the cat or maybe your youngest child or oh my god what is that, and you will find yourself performing a complicated Cirque du Soleil maneuver in order to take your weight off the damn thing.
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2) HEXBUG WARRIOR BATTLE ROBOT.
Suck level: 4. It's pointy, it's hard, and upon being stepped on, it bursts into angry buzzing motion like some sort of hideous robo-fly. No bueno.
3) ONE OF ABOUT A BILLION DIFFERENT MONSTER TRUCK TYPE VEHICLES.
Suck level: 6. Probably you will stop yourself before you step directly on the thing and it rolls out from under you and you break a hip. Probably.
Suck level: 7. Everyone hates stepping on LEGOs, because they hurt like hell, and sometimes they actually burrow until the sole of your foot and you have to pry it out with a grapefruit spoon.
5) PLASTIC SNAKE THING.
Suck level: 8. Because HOLY FUCK, SNAAAA --- oh. Oh jesus.
6) MAGIC MARKER ON A HARDWOOD FLOOR.
Suck level: 9. Can you just see the unpleasant chain of events waiting to unfold here? At the end of it, I'll be on the floor with a sprained ankle and the cat will have bitten me.
7) PINK METAL JACK LYING ON THE BATHMAT, CARELESSLY DROPPED THERE BY A CHILD WHILE I'M SHOWERING.
Suck level: 10. Yes, TEN. Because I'll only catch a glimpse of it at the last nanosecond as my wet foot descends at which point I'll decide it's a spider and as my neurons fire frantically in an attempt to stop my downward trajectory I'll seize up in a full-body adrenaline surge of fear before it perforates the arch of my foot and blood geysers everywhere in a festive red spray which I'll have to clean up later because who am I kidding, it's not like someone else is going to pick up this dump.
Are you constantly stepping on random kid stuff in your home too?
Images via Linda Sharps