7 Children's Toys That Are the Worst to Accidentally Step On, Ranked in Order

LOL 59

I'm not what you'd call an expert in a great many subjects. If I were to find myself in the horrifying position of suddenly appearing on Jeopardy, I'd be thoroughly screwed unless Decades-Old Simpsons Quotes was offered as a category. However, there's one topic I feel I have mastered over years of study and experimentation, and that's ranking the shittiness of any given child's toy in terms of the sensation it causes when you accidentally step on it.

Look, I'm not saying this is useful knowledge, I'm just saying that this is my gift. Some people can play the piano. Some can paint beautiful pictures. Some can perform complicated mathematical equations while simultaneously balancing spinning plates on the end of a stick. Me, I've learned through many instances of stepping on toys that while all of them suck, each sucks in its own special unique way -- and I can instantly chart the level of suck as soon as my foot makes contact.

For instance:

1) STUFFED ANIMAL.

Suck level on a scale of 1 to 10: 3. I know, you're thinking that a stuffed animal isn't that bad because it's soft, but trust me, blindly stepping on one can cause serious injury because all your brain registers as first is SOME SORT OF CREATURE and you think it's the cat or maybe your youngest child or oh my god what is that, and you will find yourself performing a complicated Cirque du Soleil maneuver in order to take your weight off the damn thing.

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2) HEXBUG WARRIOR BATTLE ROBOT.

Suck level: 4. It's pointy, it's hard, and upon being stepped on, it bursts into angry buzzing motion like some sort of hideous robo-fly. No bueno.


 
3) ONE OF ABOUT A BILLION DIFFERENT MONSTER TRUCK TYPE VEHICLES.

Suck level: 6. Probably you will stop yourself before you step directly on the thing and it rolls out from under you and you break a hip. Probably.


4) LEGO.

Suck level: 7. Everyone hates stepping on LEGOs, because they hurt like hell, and sometimes they actually burrow until the sole of your foot and you have to pry it out with a grapefruit spoon.


5) PLASTIC SNAKE THING.

Suck level: 8. Because HOLY FUCK, SNAAAA --- oh. Oh jesus.


6) MAGIC MARKER ON A HARDWOOD FLOOR.

Suck level: 9. Can you just see the unpleasant chain of events waiting to unfold here? At the end of it, I'll be on the floor with a sprained ankle and the cat will have bitten me.


7) PINK METAL JACK LYING ON THE BATHMAT, CARELESSLY DROPPED THERE BY A CHILD WHILE I'M SHOWERING.

Suck level: 10. Yes, TEN. Because I'll only catch a glimpse of it at the last nanosecond as my wet foot descends at which point I'll decide it's a spider and as my neurons fire frantically in an attempt to stop my downward trajectory I'll seize up in a full-body adrenaline surge of fear before it perforates the arch of my foot and blood geysers everywhere in a festive red spray which I'll have to clean up later because who am I kidding, it's not like someone else is going to pick up this dump.

Are you constantly stepping on random kid stuff in your home too?


Images via Linda Sharps

boys

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Melis... Melissa1508

Hahahahahahahahaha!   LOVE the snake.  My daughter has a very realistic looking rubber snake.  I am now to the point where I am no longer surprised by it, but at first, in your words, HOLY FUCK, snaaa-oh wait.  Polly Pockets are awesome to step on as well. 

nonmember avatar Krystle

This post made me chuckle. 'Been there, done that moment.' The poor stuffed animals. Especially after they've been thoroughly slobbered on. What IS that wet thing!? The cat!!?

nonmember avatar Kristi

Might I add rubber balls? While my children find it hilarious to see the elephant (me) balancing/not balancing then freaking out-I do not find the humor.
Article right on...as usual.

nonmember avatar Kristi

Oh and how the hell is your cream carpet still cream??

Foste... Foster_Mom

How about Barbie shoes?  They rank up there with legos as far as inflicting pain.  And anything that makes noise will be the first thing you kick or step on as you creep by your sleeping child.  Or, formerly sleeping child.  :(  Gah!

Jennifer Kralick Bouchard

Hahahahaha , funny stuff and so true hahaha . We just got a puppy and I am actually looking forward to him chewing up kids toys (not eating, just chewing) so I can throw them out with good cause. Haha

nonmember avatar Lily

Dry Play-do= ouch!
Thanks for not using slideshows.

keelh... keelhaulrose

Anything that guaruntees a break when stepped on, because suddenly that's the most important toy to have ever existed.


I stepped on the little plastic ring my daughter got off a cupcake at a friend's party, and broke the ring part off. Yeah, ten minutes later I was really close to giving in to the demand to go get a new cupcake.

nonmember avatar ZMommy

Little wooden blocks. The corners stabbing into your foot. OWWW. Legos don't have anything on those bad boys.

Carla White

Little green army men. Say no more. 


 

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