father's day cakeHappy Father's Day! I hope you're all spending time with the fathers and grandfathers in your lives. I'll be calling my dad and brothers, who all live far away. If you haven't mailed off a card or bought a special gift yet (for the guy who never seems to need anything), I've got something you can send instead: Poetry. Yes, this is what your dear old dad wants most of all in this world, some goofy poem someone else wrote. Oh, but you can pretend you wrote it yourself -- I won't tell.

And just so it sounds like it really came from you, I've got a different poem for every kind of kid. I, um, may have semi-plagiarized a few famous poems just a little bit for inspiration. But take your pick!

From the Kid Who Has 100 Different Activities Every Week

Because I could not drive myself

You kindly drove for me

The minivan held only ourselves

Or sometimes the whole family -- 

We slowly drove -- you knew no haste

To soccer and to Girl Scouts, too

And my spelling bee

Thanks for driving me everywhere, Dad.

 

From the Fashionista

You grow old, you grow old

Why do you, like, still wear your pants rolled?

I'm embarrassed to be seen with you, but I still love you, Daddy!

 

From the Sports Fanatic

June is the cruellest month

Little league out of the dugout, mixing

With summer football clinics, stirring

Soccer tournaments with summer rain

Thanks for going to all my games, Dad!

 

From the Kid Who Is Always in Trouble

And my ass, it is always in detention, still is sitting, still is sitting

Or in my bedroom, just down the hall from yours and mom's

And my mind still has all the scheming of a demon's that is dreaming

Yet I am in lockdown, all because of that science lab bomb

When will this accursed grounding be lifted?

Quoth my dad, Nevermore!

Thanks for the tough love, Dad.

 

From the Toddler

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats above my surpise-filled diaper

When all at once I saw a cookie

A plate of golden cookies

In the kitchen, on the counter

Mommy said "no"

But you, my sweet, easily manipulated fool, said yes

After I screamed for 30 minutes straight and started turning blue

Thanks for the cookie, Daddy! (Sucker)

 

Image via Jim, the Photographer/Flickr