First of all, I have to tell you that the title of this article is a dirty lie. According to the unflattering evidence in my iPhoto folder, it was more like 79 attempts, but I'm not going to include every single derp-y picture here because I don't want your index finger to get a scrollcramp. Misleading titles aside, the point here is that I recently tried to get a lovely Mother's Day photo keepsake with my children, and JUST LIKE EVERY SINGLE YEAR, the results were comically terrible.
It wasn't surprising, really. My children have the attention span of Starbucks-infused fruit flies and they're constantly darting around in random directions like human Super Balls and the instant they spot a camera they lose the ability to form any sort of natural facial expression (my 7-year-old in particular).
So I pretty much go into this annual ritual knowing that it's going to be a total shitshow a clusterfuck of massive proportions an ass-pain on par with being cornholed by a Mohave Desert Cactus something of a challenge.
In terms of frustration with the process and dissatisfaction with the end results, this year didn't disappoint. While it seemed like my Instagram and Facebook feeds were filled to the brim with gorgeous, perfectly-posed mothers and children this Mother's Day, here's what I came up with:
Okay, it's out of focus and one kid has adopted a seriously awkward pose, but it could be worse. They're only going to get better from here on out, right?
Aaaand the answer to that question would be no.
Oh Jesus. Why is one kid death-gripping my midsection while wearing an expression that says, "I AM STAVING OFF AN EXPLOSIVE GASTROINTESTINAL EVENT"? Why is the other kid already communicating a silent plea for the sweet merciful release of death?
Here we've all apparently had five tequila-and-children's-Benadryl shooters in quick succession.
And now my oldest son has thrust an elephant tranquilizer dart between my shoulder blades and is impatiently waiting for me to slump to the ground so he can go watch Ninjago.
Maybe a change of venue will improve things? Right, not so much.
How about we just scrap this whole thing and go with a spontaneous outdoorsy shot from our fishing trip in Central Oregon, and -- uhhhh. Wow. Never mind.
... You know what?
Do you get awesome family photos every single time you try, and if so, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR SECRET?
Images via Linda Sharps