9 Ways My Pack Rat Kids Have Turned My House Into a Garbage Dump

There are times when I feel an overwhelming sense of despair over the amount of housekeeping it takes just to achieve a "baaaarely acceptable, as long as no one unexpectedly drops by for a visit" level of cleanliness. The problem isn't just that I hate cleaning and vacuuming and picking up and doing dishes and putting away laundry (although sweet jesus, I truly do), it's that there is absolutely ZERO job satisfaction with these tasks because they're never ever ever ever ever ever finished. As Taylor Swift would say: like, ever.

As if it's not bad enough to be mired in a Sisyphean loop of interminable homekeeping activities, my kids make it a thousand times worse by, well, by EXISTING, frankly, but also by glomming onto certain cluttery garbage-y items and refusing to part ways with them. So not only is my house forever littered with the basic detritus of crumbs, pieces of paper, articles of clothing, and miscellaneous dropped objects, there are all these ... THINGS, too.

For instance! Here are 9 random items that really should have made their way to a garbage can by now, but instead, they're each taking up space in my house. And in some cases, waiting to puncture the bottom of my foot in the dead of night.

ITEM 1: MONTHS-OLD SIGN ON 7YO'S DOOR WITH DIRE, GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT WARNINGS.

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "But if I don't have this sign Dylan will go in my room and, and, and ... and then he'll play with my toys!"


ITEM 2: WEIRD COLLECTION OF GOOGLE IMAGES PRINTED, CUT OUT, AND HAPHAZARDLY TAPED TO THE INSIDE OF A CABINET DOOR.

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "Those are my AMINALS."


ITEM 3: CRAPPY MCDONALD'S HAPPY MEAL TOY WHICH IS MISSING ITS PROJECTILE (1 of approximately 28954).

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "It's Eagle Shooty ... uh, Soldier Guy! I love Eagle Shooty Soldier Guy."


ITEM 4: FORTY BILLION MILLION JILLION KAZILLION LEGOS, USUALLY STREWN ALL OVER THE FLOOR.

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "What do you mean, give some of them away?" *clutches chest dramatically* "I need all the Legos, Mom! ALL OF THEM."


ITEM 5: TWO RANDOM PIECES OF PLASTIC TAPED TOGETHER WITH LINES DRAWN ON THEM.

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "That is my COMPUTER."


ITEM 6: CRUMBLING BLOB OF HARDENED PLAY-DOH.

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "But Mom, that's Perry the Platypus!"


ITEM 7: CHUNKS OF WOOD NAILED TOGETHER WITH PEELING STRIPS OF DUCT TAPE.

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "I made that G.I. Joe aircraft carrier all by myself, so I want to keep it. Unless ... *scheming expression* you want to buy me a real one, that is."


ITEM 8: TWO STALE MARSHMALLOWS IMPALED ON A TOOTHPICK? SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL?

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "That's in case my Lego guys want to lift some weights!"


ITEM 9: CREEPY SEVERED HEAD FROM A BOBBING-HEAD DOG TOY.

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "Spotty Head Puppy ... uh, Guy! Ohhhhhhhhh, we can't get rid of Spotty Head Puppy Guy."

Do you have this problem in your house too? Which items do you most want to secretly dump in the trash when your kid's not looking?


Images via Linda Sharps

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