9 Ways My Pack Rat Kids Have Turned My House Into a Garbage Dump

There are times when I feel an overwhelming sense of despair over the amount of housekeeping it takes just to achieve a "baaaarely acceptable, as long as no one unexpectedly drops by for a visit" level of cleanliness. The problem isn't just that I hate cleaning and vacuuming and picking up and doing dishes and putting away laundry (although sweet jesus, I truly do), it's that there is absolutely ZERO job satisfaction with these tasks because they're never ever ever ever ever ever finished. As Taylor Swift would say: like, ever.

As if it's not bad enough to be mired in a Sisyphean loop of interminable homekeeping activities, my kids make it a thousand times worse by, well, by EXISTING, frankly, but also by glomming onto certain cluttery garbage-y items and refusing to part ways with them. So not only is my house forever littered with the basic detritus of crumbs, pieces of paper, articles of clothing, and miscellaneous dropped objects, there are all these ... THINGS, too.

For instance! Here are 9 random items that really should have made their way to a garbage can by now, but instead, they're each taking up space in my house. And in some cases, waiting to puncture the bottom of my foot in the dead of night.

ITEM 1: MONTHS-OLD SIGN ON 7YO'S DOOR WITH DIRE, GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT WARNINGS.

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "But if I don't have this sign Dylan will go in my room and, and, and ... and then he'll play with my toys!"


ITEM 2: WEIRD COLLECTION OF GOOGLE IMAGES PRINTED, CUT OUT, AND HAPHAZARDLY TAPED TO THE INSIDE OF A CABINET DOOR.

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "Those are my AMINALS."


ITEM 3: CRAPPY MCDONALD'S HAPPY MEAL TOY WHICH IS MISSING ITS PROJECTILE (1 of approximately 28954).

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "It's Eagle Shooty ... uh, Soldier Guy! I love Eagle Shooty Soldier Guy."


ITEM 4: FORTY BILLION MILLION JILLION KAZILLION LEGOS, USUALLY STREWN ALL OVER THE FLOOR.

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "What do you mean, give some of them away?" *clutches chest dramatically* "I need all the Legos, Mom! ALL OF THEM."


ITEM 5: TWO RANDOM PIECES OF PLASTIC TAPED TOGETHER WITH LINES DRAWN ON THEM.

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "That is my COMPUTER."


ITEM 6: CRUMBLING BLOB OF HARDENED PLAY-DOH.

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "But Mom, that's Perry the Platypus!"


ITEM 7: CHUNKS OF WOOD NAILED TOGETHER WITH PEELING STRIPS OF DUCT TAPE.

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "I made that G.I. Joe aircraft carrier all by myself, so I want to keep it. Unless ... *scheming expression* you want to buy me a real one, that is."


ITEM 8: TWO STALE MARSHMALLOWS IMPALED ON A TOOTHPICK? SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL?

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "That's in case my Lego guys want to lift some weights!"


ITEM 9: CREEPY SEVERED HEAD FROM A BOBBING-HEAD DOG TOY.

CHILD'S EXCUSE: "Spotty Head Puppy ... uh, Guy! Ohhhhhhhhh, we can't get rid of Spotty Head Puppy Guy."

Do you have this problem in your house too? Which items do you most want to secretly dump in the trash when your kid's not looking?


Images via Linda Sharps

boys

23 Comments

To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

nonmember avatar Gretta

Yesssss.... I have boys and I was just talking about this thing.

femal... femaleMIKE

How could anyone want to throw away that  computer?  I would save that and the platypus.

Rhond... RhondaVeggie

We need to be BFFs, call me.



Just be grateful the computer is so small. My son made one straight out of the late eighties then subtly suggested that I didn't appreciate his artistic abilities (OK, he yelled "fine, don't love me anymore!") when I told him the behemoth needed to go in the recycling bin.

nonmember avatar JJ

I have two sons that are like this. One will bring ANYTHING home if it is free just because he thinks he can 'make' something with it someday, which he NEVER does. The other won't throw anything away because he thinks of a useless idea to use the item with in the future. I just throw the items away when he isn't looking, he forgets about it.

the4m... the4mutts

I DO throw my kids' useless shit away. I let them have their silly broken toys for about a week, then ask them if they want their house to look like their cousins' house, then they damn near jump out of their skin to throw away useless shit.


In my opinion, there is no need for any of that junk to remain in a household, except the legos. They DO need all the legos, mom

krazy... krazykim8

Have you been in my house??  I thought I was the only one with this problem.  I have roughly 40,000 legos, of which there are about 1,000 lego men that are assembled and ready for an epic battle at any moment in my living room.  I have a small living room and cannot walk in it.  It's oddly similar to my son's room, where all the boxes that the legos came in are stored along with lots of other unidentifiable things.  I still don't understand the boxes, why we have to keep them... They are empty.  I also have signs posted randomly throughout my house.  On the coat closet, "DO NOT ENTER, Family only!!!"  I don't know what's so top secret about the coat closet.  Generally, if you have guest, you hang their coat in there.  I'm not sure the motivation on this one at all, but it is obviously very important as I have been squealed at for suggesting it be taken down. It has been there for 4 years. That's right, 4 years...  There are others, but I'm sure you guys don't have all day.  After all, we should all focus on cleaning up the hoarder's rooms!  :)

nonmember avatar Sarah

I totally understand your issue! We are the same way but.......I have to give your kids points for imagination!! The Lego guy weights makes perfect sense to me, and I would have NEVER thought to do that!!! Even though they do create massive amounts of clutter, it is nice to know they have active imaginations!

nonmember avatar Kristi

The wood nailed together. I have two of those. Do yours also have hot glue on them?
"See mom?" We learned how to recycle today!"
Oh, I need to have a word with your teacher....

leona24 leona24

I let them keep some of the cheaper toys missing parts. But the junk they throw together gets played with for a day or two than I throw it out. I don't offer them a choice. Junk is junk throw it out. I'm not going to teach my kids to keep useless crap.

Megan Johnson

Roflmao, I can relate to every single one.  My daughter makes snakes out of everything she can find that is even remotely snake like, including trash like shopping recipts, etc.  Whenever they get picked up to be thrown away, full blown tantrums ensue.  "THOSE ARE MY SNAKIES!"

1-10 of 23 comments 123 Last
F