Last week on a road trip to Disney, I was digging through the contents of the arm rest compartment for some tissues when I realized the old maxi pad that had somehow gotten stuck to my hand would have to do the trick. Plus it had wings, which made for an easy clean-up.
I looked at my mother and said, "We need to invent some kind of portable tool that has all the necessary mommy accoutrements to tackle any parenting task."
Because this was a long road trip and we were two slap-happy adults listening to a Bratz movie for the fourth time, we made a list of all the things said contraption would need.
So here are the fruits of our brainstorm. I give you ... the Swiss Mommy Knife.
1. An extra arm - I can be walking with a phone to my ear, a latte, a purse, a laundry basket, and groceries and one of my kids will still attempt to hand me an empty juice box. Clearly two arms just aren't enough.
2. A sibling separator - No matter how much they need to be apart, they somehow magnetize back to each other and continue to bicker, slap, and tease. This device should be something with a little bite -- like a bug zapper or a taser.
3. A stain-remover stick - Don't kid yourself. By the end of the day, someone will have ketchup, Popsicle juice, spit-up, or dried blood on them -- and it'll probably be you.
4. An elevator backer-offer - I'm thinking some kind of stick-like poker that lets people know your kids will get to push the stupid buttons on the elevator, because regardless of their age, that is somehow the most important thing they get to do all day ... well, unless there's an escalator around somewhere.
5. A crust cutter - No matter how old my kids get, leaving the crust on a sandwich is taken with such offense that I may as well write a note on the napkin that reads, "I don't love you THAT much."
6. A banana and some chocolate - That's just smart planning. You never know when the kiddos are gonna need a quick hit of potassium/energy or when you'll need something to bribe them with. (PS: The chocolate can also be for you.)
7. A ShamWow dispenser - Those things hold 12 times their weight and my kids make messes at about the same rate.
8. A Magic Eraser - My son once signed his name on a restaurant booth with a permanent marker. If only I had something to magically make the stain (or my family) disappear as I attempted to explain my son's penchant for autographing furniture to the manager.
9. A toy opener - This would have to be some kind of tool with the power of a chainsaw! G-d forbid you get a Lalaloopsy out of its packaging without a crow bar, heavy sweating, and some mild to moderate bruising.
10. A corkscrew - Strictly for Mom, because there's little scarier than a corked bottle of wine.
11. An empty box - I've found that most times the box is way more enjoyable than the toy.
12. A photo of Adam Levine, Jon Hamm, or Ryan Gosling - Do I need to explain that one?
13. A food separator - I lied. There is a bigger offender than crust, and that's food that touches other food, because as everyone knows, once two foods touch, they make a radical third food that your children will treat like poison.
14. A voice-activated answering device - Something that would be triggered upon hearing the term "Mom" more than five times in a single minute: "Mom is not available right now, please try back later." (This will give you a slight reprieve. Consider it a good time to eat your kids' chocolate and stare at your picture of Adam Levine.)
15. A sister wife - I don't know quite how I'd get her on my key chain (that's more of a logistical issue), but I've seen Big Love, and those chicks totally come in handy.
16. A back patter - Because no one's gonna do it for you, and you seriously deserve it.
Swiss Army Knife: $29.99. Swiss Mommy Knife: Priceless + the cost of shipping, which will be based on the height and weight of your sister wife.
What tools do you think a "Swiss Mommy Knife" should have as attachments?
Image via Amazon