Mom Confession: I Freaking Hate Valentine's Day

Rant 24

"Be mine." "Let's get wild together." "Hey, hot stuff." "You make my heart go pitter-pat." Jesus christ, children's Valentine's Day cards, how about you slow the heck down already? My kid's 7, he's not looking to get LAID. At the very least, he's not looking to seduce all 27 of his first grade classmates.

Okay, here's the thing: I don't like Valentine's Day. I know this isn't exactly a novel confession -- stop the presses, someone isn't a fan of Valentine's Day! Notify Godiva! Shut down Hallmark! Cancel the roses! -- but what I'm saying is that I really, really, really, REALLY don't like Valentine's Day now that I'm a parent.

For one thing, it's a giant pain in my butt. I have two little kids, both with a crap-ton of classmates, so that means I have to help make about FIFTY Valentine's cards each year. Even assuming I go the non-Pinterest route and buy a bunch of flimsy pre-made cards with Spider-Man on them or whatever -- which yeah, I am totally going to do that, because HELL NO to the idea of lovingly hand-crafting a giant pile of adorable creations with individually-purchased bubble wands or googly eyes or popsicle sticks that's just going to get jammed in the bottom of someone's backpack before being unceremoniously dumped in the trash at home -- this process takes forever. My preschooler can't even write worth a damn yet, people! Who's going to address his cards THAT'S RIGHT YOU'RE LOOKING AT HER.

Also, let's be real -- kids' Valentine's messages are often totally insincere. "You light up my life"? "You're someone I barely know but the school requires that I send a card to each of my classmates," more like. Or "You called me a baby on the playground once when I tripped and fell and at night I dream about you being eaten by rabid wolves but, you know, be mine."

Finally, I kind of don't get how Valentine's Day is totally acceptable and in fact pretty much a mandatory cultural event for little kids in school, but they're expressly forbidden from celebrating or even recognizing other holidays -- at least in the schools my kids have gone to. They can't wear a costume for Halloween, they don't sing Christmas carols, they don't learn about Thanksgiving. Who gave Valentine's Day a free pass on political correctness is what I want to know. Won't SOMEBODY think of the craft-challenged, black-hearted, lazy-ass parents???

How do you feel about Valentine's Day?

Image via vintagehalloweencollector/Flickr

elementary school, kid activities


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Coles... Coles_mom

We are doing sweet, lovingly, hand-crafted Pinterest valentine cards for the 26 kids in his 1st grade class. However, mom bonus points for me because I put his grandma in charge of the project!!! :)

Melis... Melissa1508

Bahahahaha!  For real.  My daughter only has 11 kids in her room, but I look like the asshole when I don't show up with treat bags filled with expensive candies, homemade Valentine cards, and little trinkets. 

fleur... fleurdelys3110

You are by far my favorite blogger here Linda! This article was hysterical.

Vegeta Vegeta

I got my coworkers really corny star wars cards. That's a good enough reason for a holiday lol.

Linda Sharps

ColesMom: YOU WIN PARENTING. That is genius.

brand... brandi185

my kids just get the store bought cards.  when they were too young to right all the names we just left it blank and i had them write their name in the from spot no matter how bad their handwriting was.  i still have valentines day cards from when i was a kid.  i kept the ones that had my fave characters or were from my friends.  for the last 3 years, because a teacher gave me the idea, my kids have had a valentines day card scrapbook.  i just staple together a few pieces of colored cardstock and they use double sided tape to attach the cards.

kelly... kelly24019

I love you!! This is awesome

BiBi Frederick Waltslady

This is why YOU are one of my FAVORITES!!! As I'm reading the article I can just hear your fingers slamming down on the keys!! LOL love this article- Thank Goodness I have 6 more years before that LOL

cleig... cleigh717

Valentines day is actually one of the few holidays untouched by time. Of course now its about valentines and goodies but its an original pagan holiday. That's something worth noting. All about cupid and the arrow. And cupid is aphrodites son in greek mythology. Despite all this, I don't like it either. I already have an anniversary and fathers day and my husbands birthday to treat him to every yr. My eldest isn't in school yet so no pain thus far. Its a holiday that really wanes in significance to evrything else. Plus mardi gras is next week and I live in new orleans so. . . Sorry but this yr, I just don't care either.

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