"Be mine." "Let's get wild together." "Hey, hot stuff." "You make my heart go pitter-pat." Jesus christ, children's Valentine's Day cards, how about you slow the heck down already? My kid's 7, he's not looking to get LAID. At the very least, he's not looking to seduce all 27 of his first grade classmates.

Okay, here's the thing: I don't like Valentine's Day. I know this isn't exactly a novel confession -- stop the presses, someone isn't a fan of Valentine's Day! Notify Godiva! Shut down Hallmark! Cancel the roses! -- but what I'm saying is that I really, really, really, REALLY don't like Valentine's Day now that I'm a parent.

For one thing, it's a giant pain in my butt. I have two little kids, both with a crap-ton of classmates, so that means I have to help make about FIFTY Valentine's cards each year. Even assuming I go the non-Pinterest route and buy a bunch of flimsy pre-made cards with Spider-Man on them or whatever -- which yeah, I am totally going to do that, because HELL NO to the idea of lovingly hand-crafting a giant pile of adorable creations with individually-purchased bubble wands or googly eyes or popsicle sticks that's just going to get jammed in the bottom of someone's backpack before being unceremoniously dumped in the trash at home -- this process takes forever. My preschooler can't even write worth a damn yet, people! Who's going to address his cards THAT'S RIGHT YOU'RE LOOKING AT HER.

Also, let's be real -- kids' Valentine's messages are often totally insincere. "You light up my life"? "You're someone I barely know but the school requires that I send a card to each of my classmates," more like. Or "You called me a baby on the playground once when I tripped and fell and at night I dream about you being eaten by rabid wolves but, you know, be mine."

Finally, I kind of don't get how Valentine's Day is totally acceptable and in fact pretty much a mandatory cultural event for little kids in school, but they're expressly forbidden from celebrating or even recognizing other holidays -- at least in the schools my kids have gone to. They can't wear a costume for Halloween, they don't sing Christmas carols, they don't learn about Thanksgiving. Who gave Valentine's Day a free pass on political correctness is what I want to know. Won't SOMEBODY think of the craft-challenged, black-hearted, lazy-ass parents???

How do you feel about Valentine's Day?


Image via vintagehalloweencollector/Flickr