I was getting ready to go out on New Year's Eve, a night I think we can all agree warrants a little more bling than the other 364 days of the year, when my 8-year-old daughter walked into my closet.
"Mommy, you look snazzy!"
"Snazzy, huh? That's a good word. I feel snazzy."
G-d, that kid is cute, I thought to myself, as I slipped on my snazzy stilettos.
"Yeah, Mom, you look like a hooker!"
Here's where you should insert the sound effect of a record being scratched to a halt, in the middle of a beautiful ballad.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"You look like a hooker," she said again, sweet as candy.
Look, I know a teachable moment when I hear one, but I'm not gonna lie, there was a part of me dying to say, "Really, you think? I feel like sequins are totally acceptable, if not called for, on New Year's!"
I refrained, and tackled the issue at hand, vowing to spend some time figuring out which inappropriate YouTube video, Disney XD show, or movie taught her that word.
"Honey, you can't use that word. One, it's inappropriate, and two, it's not a compliment ... unless your mom's a stripper, of course, but even then, I think 'hooker' may be derogatory." (OK, I didn't say the last part, but it's an interesting query for Ask.com)
"OK, sorry, Mom. I meant it in a good way."
"Well, if anyone can call me a hooker and get away with it, it's you, Sweetie."
She tried again.
"Mom, you look like a skinny Kardashian," she told me, using a line she got directly from The Neighbors.
That's it, first I find out which Kardashian, then I build that kid a bubble!
"Honey, you can't say that either because then you're implying that you could only be pretty when you're skinny." (Seriously, where is Oprah when you need her?)
"Fine, you look like any Kardashian. I think they're all pretty."
"Thank you, baby (I think)," I said, giving her a hug.
Then I walked over to my hubby, mostly to tell him the story, but also to ask, "Do I look like a hooker or a skinny Kardashian?"
"A little bit of both."
Image via Jenny Isenman