It's that time of year again! Time to take a look at my Scary Mommy Confessions and pick my all-time favorites from the past year. Here are the top confessions that left me nodding my head and laughing in solidarity. Can YOU relate to any? (And if you can't, can you please tell me your secret!!)
1. Motherhood: a state of being that includes acting as a police chief, parole officer, maid, chef, chauffeur, laundry service, nurse, nutritionist, and therapist, simultaneously.
2. I just ripped a giant fart in front of my 2-year-old son. He's now chasing me around the house insisting I lay down so he can change my diaper.
3. To the young couple who gave me a dirty look as I carried my screaming child out of the store ... you're welcome for the free birth control.
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4. I don't understand parents who brag about how gifted and smart their kids are. Congratulations! You gave birth to a giant nerd.
5. Momma knows best -- HA! Hardly! I have no idea what I'm doing. So long as you don't end up dead, maimed, in prison, or spending hundreds of thousands of dollars in intensive therapy, I'm going to call it a win.
6. At a restaurant today, a lady said to me, "Maybe your kid wouldn't be such a monster if you didn't give her soda." I replied, "Maybe if you minded your own business, people wouldn't think you're such a bitch."
7. My kids complained about my cooking for the fifth night in a row. Instead of responding like an adult, I threw the pan in the sink, screamed, "You never like anything I make!" and stomped out of the room. I'd say that went over well.
8. I invited you into my home as a guest. And you brought my 2-year-old permanent markers and Play Doh. Next time I visit you, I'm bringing your teenage daughter condoms and crack.
9. Came out of the doctor's to find a man sitting in the driver's seat of my car. Panicked! But I calmly opened the door, talked to him, asked him his name and why he was in my car, and then I realized I parked one story higher in the parking garage.
10. Bent over to pick up a toy and let out a fart. My 2-year-old son came up behind me, sniffed my butt, then felt it, and said, "Nope, no poopies." Is this what a diaper check feels like? I feel so violated.
11. I would support the school fundraisers if they sold liquor ... keep your candles, candy, and wrapping paper to yourselves please.
12. Last night at church, my 3-year-old stood up and at the top of his lungs yelled, "We paid! Can we go now?"
13. Last week, I was caught eating Nutella from the jar. Not wanting to share, I told my kids it was poop. They, in turn, told every single one of their friends that I eat poop from a jar. Whatever. I'd do it again.
14. I put 20 boxes of condoms on my baby shower registry. No one found it as funny as I did.
15. Masterchefs my ass ... I'll call them masters when they can do all that cooking with a toddler glued to their leg and two teens already complaining that they're not going to like it before they even know what's for dinner.
16. Last week, I saw a new doctor. The paperwork asked if I was sexually active, so I said yes. "What do you do?" the doctor later asked in the exam room. I told her I normally did vaginal, but sometimes anal. She meant for work.
17. Behind all the messy rooms, horrible folding of laundry, lack of cooking skills, inability to control my toddler’s tantrums, total lack of interest in crafts, and wine-drinking coping, lays the best mom ever. Really. I swear.
18. DS3 told me he had to pee (he's still fully in diapers). I went to get his step stool from the kitchen, but when I got back to the bathroom, he was peeing into the bathtub since he could REACH that. I'm calling it a win.
19. I dusted a cobweb away from my door with my cat. Yes, I really did.
20. Took a bubble bath, shaved my stuff, and put on a teeny tiny nighty for my hubby. He was so turned on that he pulled me close for a passionate kiss. As he ran his fingers through my hair, two small Legos fell out.
21. I made my 2-year-old make a sad face while I took a picture and then sent it to my mom and said the face was made because she missed her Grandma. Really I just needed a break and wanted my mom to babysit.
22. I have always felt like I am a horrible stay-at-home mom. Turns out, I am really good at it ... as long as the children are both in school.
23. I'm writing a sequel to Go the Fuck to Sleep. It is called Leave Me the Fuck Alone and Play With Your Toys.
24. Whenever my husband acts like an ass, I change his ringback tone to "I'm sexy and I know it." He has no idea how to change it himself and has to wait for me to do it for him. Insert evil laugh.
25. I let my toddler shoot me with his toy gun so that I can take a power nap while I play dead.
Anything you'd like to fess up to? We won't judge!
Image via Scary Mommy