Honey Boo Boo’s Guide to a ‘Beautimos’ 2013

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honey boo booKids are much smarter than we give them credit for. Take Honey Boo Boo Child for instance. People may cut down the pint-size pageant queen and her clan for being crass hillbillies, but they are seriously mistaken. Yes, catchphrases like "a dolla make me holla" are cringe-worthy, but if you take a moment to break it down, you will realize there is a lot of common sense in what that little mug-boggin, cheese ball eatin' Alana Thompson has to say. So we've pulled together all those precious pearls of wisdom from the entire backwoods brood for Honey Boo Boo's Guide to a Terrific 2013. Follow these simple rules and you are guaranteed to have an amazing year. Seriously!

  1. “Etiquette classes are for stupid people.” — Honey Boo Boo. The lesson: Be yourself!
  2. “All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimos. You don’t see my shit hanging out ... not my three bellies.” — June, on scantilly clad women at the Redneck Games. The lesson: Ladies, please, please dress for your body type.
  3. “It wasn’t love at first sight. It was bed at first sight. You’ve got to try the milk before you buy the cow.” — June on when she first met Sugar Bear. The lesson: Always sample the goods first.
  4. “I hope y’all are getting that flesh-eating disease.” — Honey Boo Boo to people swimming in a dirty river. The lesson: Idiots will be idiots. Some people have to learn the hard way.
  5. “If a person farts 10-15 times a day, then they’re healthy. So I guess my girls are healthy ...” — June. The lesson: Don't ever be afraid to break wind because there is more room out than in. 
  6. “It’s called a biscuit because it looks like a biscuit.” — June on the family’s nickname for vagina. The lesson: Call it like you see it.
  7. “Every time I go in the store, they probably think I have a bowel movement problem.” — June on her huge supply of toilet paper. The lesson: Don't let what others think stop you from being prepared.
  8. “I hope Mama don’t eat Glitzy. She eats everything else.” — Honey Boo Boo on her baby pig Glitzy. The lesson: You must have some boundaries.
  9. “We’re going to make you a pageant gay pig.” — Honey Boo Boo to her new boy pig she named Glitzy. The lesson: Don't be confined by silly, old-dated gender role rules.
  10. “All that boy is wanting is to get in your little biscuit and get a little piece then he’s running.” — June on her pregnant teen's baby daddy. The lesson: Guys only want one thing.
  11. “Please tell me you got a cheese grater out for their feet.” — June to the manicurist. The lesson: Beauty is pain.
  12. “I like to get down and dirty redneck style.” — Honey Boo Boo. The lesson: It's important to let loose once in awhile.
  13. “That Santa Claus outfit smelled like a chain-smoking goat.” — Sugar Bear. The lesson: Wash it after you wear it.
  14. “When my belly hurts it’s usually because of gas or too many chicken nuggets.Honey Boo Boo. The lesson: Know your body.
  15. “When I saw June in that blonde wig, it made me a little frisky. It kinda made me want to jump some bones.” — Sugar Bear. The lesson: It's easy to spice up your sex life with a few new accessories.
  16. “Being voluptuous, heat and me don’t mix with my body. It never has. It don’t mix with my digestive system very well. Cause that’s why I don’t eat.” *burp* — June. The lesson: Extreme heat is nothing to play around with.
  17. “Don’t tell nobody, but all of Pumpkin’s clothes come from the dumpster.” — Honey Boo Boo. The lesson: Recycle. 
  18. “A woman will ew on herself before she has a baby. Then her hemorrhoids come out.” — June. The lesson: Giving birth ain't pretty.
  19. “I’m gonna vegetate my fat ass.” — June after Honey Boo Boo’s wild birthday party. The lesson: It's important to take time for yourself.
  20. “I wish I had an extra finger, then I could grab more cheese balls.”  Honey Boo Boo on niece Kaitlyn’s extra thumb. The lesson: Find the positive in every situation.

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rhps2000 rhps2000

How have I missed this show with so many pearls of wisdom?

envis... envisiongirl

Is her fly open in this picture?

tuffy... tuffymama

Is there an emoticon that is a shocked and melting face? That's the one I need here.

kelly... kelly24019

I don't want to live on this planet anymore...

jessi... jessicasmom1

nothing here my family is NOTHING like theirs


purpl... purpleflower514

I don't know about anyone else but I do not think my vulva (the proper term as the vagina is on the inside... aka the birth canal) looks like a biscuit.

Cel7777 Cel7777

Lol Purpleflower514, I'm picturing a biscuit from all different angles trying to figure out how it looks like a vulva. Perhaps standing straight up, split vertically? Kinda?


Wow, I wish I had your perspective (or maybe just whatever it is you're smoking). Most of those "lessons" sounded good, but really had nothing to do with the quotes. I imagine Honey Boo Boo--shudder--and her clan would be vastly surprised to find out they were so wise.

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