Quit Ruining the Elf on the Shelf® -- You Christmas Grinches

Rant 30

What the hell is going on with all the Elf on the Shelf® hate this year? Because I can't visit a social media site without running face-first into someone's rant about how much they dislike the Elf on the Shelf ® and would never ever have it in their house in a million years because it's so creepy and weird and awful and also here's the place on the doll where the bad Elf touched me and oh my god SHUT YOUR CHRISTMAS-MAGIC-KILLING FACEHOLE.

*pant, pant* Okay, I'm sorry. It's just that my kids love the Elf on the Shelf® . They bolt out of bed every morning to find him, and they nearly keel over with delight when they do. The Elf on the Shelf ® is a huge part of our holiday cheer, and what IS it about this innocuous little toy that encourages grown adults to post daily December rants about how stupid and pointless they think it is?

I mean, did Santa come early this year ... and jam a giant lump of coal up your ass?

I'm not entirely certain what triggered the recent outpouring of Elf Anger, but I suspect it may be Pinterest's fault. In fact, I'm just as irritated at these creative Elf Visionaries as I am at the people who rail against the Elf. Since when did the Elf become a merry prankster who enjoys unraveling toilet paper rolls and getting wasted on Diet Sizzurp with Barbie? Do we not have enough holiday pressure without dreaming up complex staging scenarios including a candy cane pole and floating Goldfish? (And does the idea of "fishing" anything of a child's toilet fill you with tidings of comfort and joy?)

The Elf is supposed to be on a SHELF, for crying out loud. Not ziplining, doing yoga, adorably reclining in a marshmallow bubble bath, or drawing "hilarious" mustaches on family portraits. And what kind of asshole Elf dumps powdered sugar all over the place? Who's going to clean that crap, Rudolph?

Basically if you're posting all sorts of incredibly contrived Elf photos on Pinterest and Facebook and whatever, you're the reason everyone is so fired up about the Elf. SO KNOCK IT OFF. Pose your Elf next to a massive pile of dumped-out flour if you want to, but 1) don't share that shit, and 2) you know you're sabotaging the whole reason the Elf is awesome, right? How can your Elf motivate good behavior if he's a rule-breaking hooligan? COME ON.


As for the argument that the Elf is just plain creepy-looking, what kind of heartless monster hates the original Rudolph movie? Because that's totally what the Elf looks like: the fey, kinda-prissy little guy who wanted to be a dentist.

See?

Slap on some molded brown hair and boom, Ambiguously-Gendered Elf Twins.


In conclusion, can we all just agree that the Elf is an optional part of the holidays that many children totally enjoy? And that the original concept simply involves moving it from one shelf to another instead of competing for the most-pinned Elf Tableau on the Internet? And that saliva-laden rants about totally inconsequential things are ... um ... against the Christmas spirit, and ... no, shut up, YOU'RE hypocritical.

Your turn: how do you feel about the Elf on a Shelf® ?

"'The Elf on the Shelf' is a registered trademark of CCA & B LLC."

Images via Linda Sharps, GoodTimes Entertainment

family, christmas, holidays

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Zamaria Zamaria

The idea of the elf on the shelf is cute. I like seeing people's pics of the messes. But the elf itself IS creepy looking. And it does not look like the elf on Rudolph. If I ever did it, I'd get a different elf.

Doomy234 Doomy234

I think its both cute and creepy. But I think that I would be more likely to get it just to scare the crap outta my husband than for our son, who probably wouldnt even notice it.

Evaly... EvalynCarnate

We dont participate in the elf crap, ourselves, but we do have our own holiday traditions and isnt that what's important? I do agree, however that the elf is mos-def creepy as hell though O.o

Vegeta Vegeta

I like the idea but the doll they have for it seems like a cheap Anna lee doll. It would be cool to have something nicer than felt and wires with plastic head. I had a herbie the dentist elf toy before and it was much nicer than elf on a shelf.

tejan... tejanita1

I, personally, find the elf on the shelf creepy.  I LOVE the original Rudolph Christmas special, but I have to disagree that the elf on the shelf and Hermie look anything alike.  Anyway, while I may not particularly care for the elf on the shelf, I don't bash it in rants.  I'll only give my opinion about it when asked.  I just have this thing about dolls coming to life and the elf does not help with that.  LOL!  We don't have the elf in my house, but I find absolutely nothing wrong with other people having it.  Every family has their own Christmas traditions.

Anneli Barnes

Oh yes, agree with Zamaria.  Concept of the Elf is cool, but definitely he is creepy-looking.  The Rudolph characters are not creepy in the slightest.

leona24 leona24

I'm sorry but that doll is so ugly. Not creepy just ugly!! I can't get past it. I don't want an ugly doll on my shelf!!!!

poshkat poshkat

He's creepy but that's not why I dislike him. I can manage my own child without rubbing it in his face that Santa is sending a little elf to check on him.

amazz... amazzonia

Is not a Christmas tradition, is just a doll they what you to buy. An expensive doll, they invent new traditions to sell more and more stuff, and I'm sorry I'm nev going to tell my kids to believe Ina plastic thing made in china. Santa is magic, Santa sees you when you're sleeping or when awake he doesn't need a creepy elf to tell him if a kid is naughty or nice 

gem09... gem092011

Hahahaha!  This article is great.  I totally agree! 

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