Quit Ruining the Elf on the Shelf® -- You Christmas Grinches

Rant 31

What the hell is going on with all the Elf on the Shelf® hate this year? Because I can't visit a social media site without running face-first into someone's rant about how much they dislike the Elf on the Shelf ® and would never ever have it in their house in a million years because it's so creepy and weird and awful and also here's the place on the doll where the bad Elf touched me and oh my god SHUT YOUR CHRISTMAS-MAGIC-KILLING FACEHOLE.

*pant, pant* Okay, I'm sorry. It's just that my kids love the Elf on the Shelf® . They bolt out of bed every morning to find him, and they nearly keel over with delight when they do. The Elf on the Shelf ® is a huge part of our holiday cheer, and what IS it about this innocuous little toy that encourages grown adults to post daily December rants about how stupid and pointless they think it is?

I mean, did Santa come early this year ... and jam a giant lump of coal up your ass?

I'm not entirely certain what triggered the recent outpouring of Elf Anger, but I suspect it may be Pinterest's fault. In fact, I'm just as irritated at these creative Elf Visionaries as I am at the people who rail against the Elf. Since when did the Elf become a merry prankster who enjoys unraveling toilet paper rolls and getting wasted on Diet Sizzurp with Barbie? Do we not have enough holiday pressure without dreaming up complex staging scenarios including a candy cane pole and floating Goldfish? (And does the idea of "fishing" anything of a child's toilet fill you with tidings of comfort and joy?)

The Elf is supposed to be on a SHELF, for crying out loud. Not ziplining, doing yoga, adorably reclining in a marshmallow bubble bath, or drawing "hilarious" mustaches on family portraits. And what kind of asshole Elf dumps powdered sugar all over the place? Who's going to clean that crap, Rudolph?

Basically if you're posting all sorts of incredibly contrived Elf photos on Pinterest and Facebook and whatever, you're the reason everyone is so fired up about the Elf. SO KNOCK IT OFF. Pose your Elf next to a massive pile of dumped-out flour if you want to, but 1) don't share that shit, and 2) you know you're sabotaging the whole reason the Elf is awesome, right? How can your Elf motivate good behavior if he's a rule-breaking hooligan? COME ON.


As for the argument that the Elf is just plain creepy-looking, what kind of heartless monster hates the original Rudolph movie? Because that's totally what the Elf looks like: the fey, kinda-prissy little guy who wanted to be a dentist.

See?

Slap on some molded brown hair and boom, Ambiguously-Gendered Elf Twins.


In conclusion, can we all just agree that the Elf is an optional part of the holidays that many children totally enjoy? And that the original concept simply involves moving it from one shelf to another instead of competing for the most-pinned Elf Tableau on the Internet? And that saliva-laden rants about totally inconsequential things are ... um ... against the Christmas spirit, and ... no, shut up, YOU'RE hypocritical.

Your turn: how do you feel about the Elf on a Shelf® ?

"'The Elf on the Shelf' is a registered trademark of CCA & B LLC."

Images via Linda Sharps, GoodTimes Entertainment

family, christmas, holidays