Big Kid

You know what I hate? Sharing. Not the actual act of sharing (okay, I guess I kind of hate that, too): Sharing Day -- aka Show & Tell -- in my son's second grade classroom. Which should actually be called Judging Parents Based on Whatever Random Material Possession Gets Thrown in Their Kid's Backpack That Morning.

That's right, don't be fooled into thinking you can send your child to school on Sharing Day with something obvious like a favorite stuffed animal or a souvenir from summer vacation. Pffft! NOBODY ELSE brings stuff like that, Mom. Don't you know anything?! Think more along the lines of family heirlooms or special memory-filled photo albums. A self-choreographed tap dance routine. A freshly-baked loaf of multigrain bread. Basically, anything that gets the following message across: "My parents are thoughtful, well-educated, eco-conscious, morally upstanding, self-sacrificing people who start preparing weeks in advance for every Sharing Day."

Well, guess what?

I'm a thoughtless, scattered, inferior, and inadequate parent because last week I forgot about Sharing Day until we were already in the car on the way to school and I tried to convince my kid a travel-size bottle of hand lotion from my purse would be super-fun to share! 

Look, if people are gonna talk about what a bad mommy you are, might as well give 'em what they want, right? Here are a few things I like to imagine my kid sharing in my darkest, most twisted Show & Tell fantasies -- or, as I like to call it, Show & Tell-it-like-it-is.

More from The Stir: 15 Cringeworthy Things Little Kids Say in Public

1. Empty tequila bottle. "I found this next to my mommy's bed this morning, isn't it pretty?"

2. Bong. "It's for blowing bubbles! I think."

3. Vibrator. "This is my magic wand."

4. Tampons. "Here's how my rocket launchers work. You take the plastic wrapper off ... "

5. Empty bottle of Valium. "My mommy takes lots of vitamins."

6. Dictionary. "Mommy says Sharing Day is [points to entry for 'banal']."

7. Porn. "Daddy has lots of these magazines in a box in the garage."

8. Parking tickets. "The police are really nice cause they leave us these notes all the time. We have so many they can't fit in the glove compartment anymore!"

9. Handcuffs. "I think the police left us these, too. Otherwise I don't know why Mommy and Daddy would have them in their room."

10. Over-the-counter paternity test. "Mommy said cause Jerry Springer never called back, we had to buy this at the store. But I'm not supposed to tell Daddy Jim. Or Daddy Larry."

What's the most inappropriate thing you've ever sent your kid to school with for Show & Tell?

Image via Justin Taylor/Flickr