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The 6 Moms You Never Want to Get Stuck With at the Playground

by Jenny Isenman on November 8, 2012 at 4:45 PM

jenny isenmenAt a party last weekend, I got stuck with "That Mom." You know, the mom you dread seeing at school functions, birthday parties, playdates, or park outings. So I decided to make a list of the most common types of "That Mom" I've come across. This way you can avoid her before she traps you!

Know it all Nicole - This mom is like Kris Jenner, but she won't take your family to Hawaii. She will, however, advise you how to be a better mom and wife, because frankly, who doesn't like unsolicited advice on parenting and marriage? She'll tell you whether you should or shouldn't vaccinate, how to get whites their whitest, and why you can never go to a drive-thru. If you want her to impart her wisdom elsewhere, bring up a blush-worthy topic like blow jobs. If she doesn't run for the hills, hear her out -- you can never know too much about blow jobs -- then bring up vibrators.

PMS Pam - Talking with this "depress-fest" is more sobering than watching an aged Paul McCartney perform live. Her weighty conversations will include talk of symptomless diseases (that could strike at any time), children who were poisoned by school lunches, and Botox gone horribly, irreversibly wrong. After a few short minutes, you’ll be sucked into an abyss of worry and despair that will have you questioning your safety, your health, and your marriage. Never talk to her alone. It will take another friend to pull you from the pit (hope that friend comes bearing cocktails)!

More from The Stir: 9 Rules Moms Should Follow at the Playground

Donna Droner - Talking to Donna will make you wish you had a cyanide pellet. This chatty chick finds every detail of her stories not only necessary, but fascinating, whether she's describing how she rescheduled her children's annual checkups, or rattling off her 37-step trick to getting discoloration out of grout. Throughout your pow-wow you'll feign interest and nod politely, while wondering if plastic party knives are strong enough to perform Hari Kari.

Braggy Beth - This gal will make you question whether your child is stupid, lazy, or socially inept. No matter what your kid's accomplishments are, Beth's kids did it better, and did it earlier. "Your daughter doesn't know her alphabet yet? Have you had that looked into? I mean, I'm sure she's fine. My Lily is just really advanced. She probably learned it in the womb -- I mean, we taught her French in the womb. Does yours speak French yet? Sorry, that was insensitive, she barely speaks English." Listening to her talk will bring out a shameful side of you that wants to give the perfect little princess the finger.

Delusional Denise - DD has no earthly idea what her child is REALLY like. She's blissfully unaware that her sweet offspring, whom you’ve seen suffocate a baby bunny, could do any wrong. If confronted, Denise will emphatically deny that it was her little angel, she’ll explain how it was surely an accident, or she'll complain that her child always seems to be the scapegoat. Beware: Denise's kids are the ones who grow up to be serial killers.

Judgy Julie - This delightful mom is assessing your every move. At playdates, she's estimating how many toys you have in your dining room, the sugar content in your pantry, and when you last dusted your blinds. Her goal is simple -- find enough evidence to confirm what she suspected all along, and arrive at the inevitable conclusion: she is better than you. Be careful, Judgy Julie doesn't keep her verdicts to herself. Yep, the high fructose corn syrup snacks you offer up could be the talk of the next PTA meeting.

Which type of mom do you find most annoying? Feel free to add your own!


Image via Jenny Isenman

Filed Under: baby development, mom secrets, toddler development, confessions, a mom's life, entertaining, kid parties, general hilarity, trends, kardashians

Comments

27
  • LAAD
    -- Nonmember comment from

    LAAD

    November 8, 2012 at 5:39 PM
    Unfortunately, I know a mom who is all of these wrapped up into one person. She is SO FLIPPING DRAINING, as is her child. UGH just thinking about her makes me nuts.
  • Megan
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Megan

    November 8, 2012 at 5:43 PM
    Wow, seems like you covered almost all types of women there... guess we should just expect perfection from every mom. Kind of seems like maybe you don't like having any friends, or better yet; don't like being one to others.
  • zombi...
    --

    zombiemommy916

    November 8, 2012 at 5:43 PM
    I dread the "TMI mom"...I can handle pretty much any of these other moms with a "just smile and nod" tactic, no biggie...but the mom who is CONSTANTLY telling me every dirty little detail of her husband's illicit affairs, how her lady parts are designed, how her son licks his own dog's ass...Jesus!!! I wish I had a mirror behind her, so I could see my face...I DO NOT want to know, lady!!! The other day she was telling me how her husband loves "golden showers"?!?! Someone save me, I just can't be rude to her...
  • tnyangel
    --

    tnyangel

    November 8, 2012 at 5:58 PM

    Good one. I giggled for the first time today. My worst is the one better mom. "Oh you are just dealing with a broken finger? We had 2 kids with a broken leg at the same time after a car accident!" Everything goes instantly into how she had it bigger, better or worse than you did.


  • Rebec...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Rebecca Cone Bennett

    November 8, 2012 at 6:49 PM
    How about Poor me Penny? She has a string of bad luck from birth to ten minutes from now and goes on FOREVER about every little bad that ever happened to her, asks others she barely knows for money (but is appalled when you suggest applying for assistance) and her lights are shut off (but her husband tells me my Old Navy coat is inferior).
  • Rebec...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Rebecca Cone Bennett

    November 8, 2012 at 6:50 PM
    How about Poor me Penny? She has a string of bad luck from birth to ten minutes from now and goes on FOREVER about every little bad that ever happened to her, asks others she barely knows for money (but is appalled when you suggest applying for assistance) and her lights are shut off (but her husband tells me my Old Navy coat is inferior).
  • Betha...
    --

    BethanyakaRED

    November 8, 2012 at 10:07 PM
    How about the mom who brings the biggest can of beer, her 2 year old daughter, 10 year old step daughter and small puppy to the park. Spills beer on her daughter and then panics when her husband walks up...
  • Cat...
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Cat Paccana

    November 9, 2012 at 10:33 AM
    How about a mom who keeps bringing up how attractive your husband is, and shouldn't you be wearing more makeup, coloring your hair, exercising more?
  • Subur...
    --

    SuburbanJungle

    November 9, 2012 at 10:51 AM

    Megan - I'm all of these moms at different times.  I think we all are, it's when one seems to fit a specific catagory MOST of the time that it's hard to take.  ZombieMommmy, that is hilarious.  Stuff like that, is the reason I blog.  Though I can definitley be TMI mom, my vagina may or may not be topic of conversation at any given time, so I shouldn't talk.  Rebecca - Poor me Penny sounds super annoying. You need a drink when she's around! Bethany - that mom may need an intervention!


  • Julie...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Julie Carter Kennedy

    November 9, 2012 at 1:27 PM
    Ha! Im all of the above moms in a step by step process... first I am the mom with the beer, then I become the mom who TMIs, then depending on my blood alcohol content I could be any of the others! Including the mom who thinks she is a stand up comedian.... haaha! Excellent read Jenny. They always are, I just never have the courage to post :-)
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