The 6 Moms You Never Want to Get Stuck With at the Playground

LOL 27

jenny isenmenAt a party last weekend, I got stuck with "That Mom." You know, the mom you dread seeing at school functions, birthday parties, playdates, or park outings. So I decided to make a list of the most common types of "That Mom" I've come across. This way you can avoid her before she traps you!

Know it all Nicole - This mom is like Kris Jenner, but she won't take your family to Hawaii. She will, however, advise you how to be a better mom and wife, because frankly, who doesn't like unsolicited advice on parenting and marriage? She'll tell you whether you should or shouldn't vaccinate, how to get whites their whitest, and why you can never go to a drive-thru. If you want her to impart her wisdom elsewhere, bring up a blush-worthy topic like blow jobs. If she doesn't run for the hills, hear her out -- you can never know too much about blow jobs -- then bring up vibrators.

PMS Pam - Talking with this "depress-fest" is more sobering than watching an aged Paul McCartney perform live. Her weighty conversations will include talk of symptomless diseases (that could strike at any time), children who were poisoned by school lunches, and Botox gone horribly, irreversibly wrong. After a few short minutes, you’ll be sucked into an abyss of worry and despair that will have you questioning your safety, your health, and your marriage. Never talk to her alone. It will take another friend to pull you from the pit (hope that friend comes bearing cocktails)!

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Donna Droner - Talking to Donna will make you wish you had a cyanide pellet. This chatty chick finds every detail of her stories not only necessary, but fascinating, whether she's describing how she rescheduled her children's annual checkups, or rattling off her 37-step trick to getting discoloration out of grout. Throughout your pow-wow you'll feign interest and nod politely, while wondering if plastic party knives are strong enough to perform Hari Kari.

Braggy Beth - This gal will make you question whether your child is stupid, lazy, or socially inept. No matter what your kid's accomplishments are, Beth's kids did it better, and did it earlier. "Your daughter doesn't know her alphabet yet? Have you had that looked into? I mean, I'm sure she's fine. My Lily is just really advanced. She probably learned it in the womb -- I mean, we taught her French in the womb. Does yours speak French yet? Sorry, that was insensitive, she barely speaks English." Listening to her talk will bring out a shameful side of you that wants to give the perfect little princess the finger.

Delusional Denise - DD has no earthly idea what her child is REALLY like. She's blissfully unaware that her sweet offspring, whom you’ve seen suffocate a baby bunny, could do any wrong. If confronted, Denise will emphatically deny that it was her little angel, she’ll explain how it was surely an accident, or she'll complain that her child always seems to be the scapegoat. Beware: Denise's kids are the ones who grow up to be serial killers.

Judgy Julie - This delightful mom is assessing your every move. At playdates, she's estimating how many toys you have in your dining room, the sugar content in your pantry, and when you last dusted your blinds. Her goal is simple -- find enough evidence to confirm what she suspected all along, and arrive at the inevitable conclusion: she is better than you. Be careful, Judgy Julie doesn't keep her verdicts to herself. Yep, the high fructose corn syrup snacks you offer up could be the talk of the next PTA meeting.

Which type of mom do you find most annoying? Feel free to add your own!


Image via Jenny Isenman

baby development, mom secrets, toddler development, confessions, a mom's life, entertaining, kid parties, general hilarity, trends, kardashians

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Audrey Bauman

yipes..iwonder if i am any or all of the above!some people just bring it out in me!!

cassi... cassie_kellison

I am with ZombieMommy "I dread the "TMI mom"...I can handle pretty much any of these other moms with a "just smile and nod" tactic, no biggie...but the mom who is CONSTANTLY telling me every dirty little detail of her husband's illicit affairs, how her lady parts are designed, how her son licks his own dog's ass...Jesus!!! I wish I had a mirror behind her, so I could see my face...I DO NOT want to know, lady!!! The other day she was telling me how her husband loves "golden showers"?!?! Someone save me, I just can't be rude to her... "


I had a woman tell me all the dirty details of her cheating husband and how she cant trust him, and then have to see on FB either A) I am so in love, I am the luckiest woman alive he is the best. Or B) Thats it I can't take this shit, I deserve better.

stara... starandseen

The bragging one it's pretty annoying.

aCafe... aCafemomma

I think i'm a Donna Droner yikes!!!


 

pupuk... pupukeawahine

How 'bout Tammy Takeover?  She and her kids start showing up everywhere you and your kids do, then starts inviting her friends (wrecks the weekly skating rink think you had going) hones in on your friendships while trying to alienate you from them, finds out what you're getting for some kid's birthday party and then goes to Target to buy it first, and generally makes your life miserable.  I knew someone like that.  Knew, as in past tense.  I eventually figured out how to dig her out of my life.  It wasn't easy.

Sonja Holzman

Oh my gosh!  You just nailed it - Tammy Takeover.  This is the perfect description for the woman from whom I have distanced myself, and yet she STILL manages to do it!!  Why?  Because our sons are still friends and she wants to make sure little Timmy has everything mine does and isn't missing out on any social things.  She makes me fucking crazy!!  She is also the know-it-all - everything I would talk about with her, she had an opinion.  If she didn't have something to tell me, she would try to change the subject.  Worst listener ever.  And yeah - to the woman who was doing a little hating - we are ALL each of these people some of the time.  Jenny is just brave enough to lay it out there.  

Blues... Blueshark77

The Know it All Nicole is my boyfriend's cousin. When she came for a visit (this was the first time I met her and I was 2 months pregnant) she didn't start out with a hello, she said "You have to get an epidural", followed by "You better get your baby vaccinated" and "My parents are wealthy and bought me top of the line baby gear that you need to come pick up". Her baby gear is 14 years old and 1000 miles away, and the medical decisions are up to me and my partner, thank you! When my partner and I were talking about wills and setting up a guardian in case something happened to us, she said she would take the baby. Hell no! I told her the baby was staying in my side of the family. Her oldest son told her to "Shut the f*** up, you c***" and her reaction is he needs more medication. She also seem to look down on us for having a caucasian child instead of biracial like hers. I said I honestly don't think it matters and isn't a big deal, I just happen to fall in love with a caucasian man and we just happen to make a baby together (crazy idea, I know). She accused me of planning the baby on purpose without the father knowing. Nope, not what happened, the father and I have been together several years and decided to let nature take its course. Sorry for the rant, but I can't stand this lady and I am so glad she doesn't live close to us.

pupuk... pupukeawahine

Sonja--here's the deal about your Tammy Takeover--you gotta get ride of her now.  I let her stick around because our sons were friends and she would guilt me into letting her worm around in my life.  (They love to use guilt.)  Eventually Timmy will grow a little older and start using his mom's tactics on your kid.  Eventually he'll do something waaay out of line and Tammy will somehow twist it around that it's your kid's fault (and blab that to all the friends you have in common--the ones she hijacked).  When we finally got them out of our lives my son told me he was so tired of them--that Tammy was just like The Cable Guy (old Jim Carrey movie).  Now she's shown up on my kid's swim team.  It's sort of like a zombie coming back to life to bite you again, like she's never going to go away.  My was of dealing wit it is to act like she's not there.  She's not.  She does not exist for me.

Angie... AngieHayes

I hate how some moms had the most horrible birthing process and it will top yours not matter what! If your baby was big, hers was bigger! Most people only enjoy hearing themselves talk, and no one else. I have come to find out in life.

nonmember avatar Tanstaafl2

Don't forget "Husband-Hating Harriet". She can't seem to stop complaining about or putting down her husband. If she were to ever stop bitching about how lousy a husband/father/lover/provider/person he is, you'd feel compelled to check for a pulse.

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