My Kids Are Ruining My Dream Halloween

I had it all figured out.

Which, according to the way my life goes, means that things were bound to go awry -- which, of course, they did. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays (besides my birthday, President's Day, and that one day school's out in October). It was also the one SINGLE day I got to dress my children the way I'd wanted to. The rest of the days were theirs -- this one was MINE.

I even knew what I wanted them to be. Just one of them, mind you. I don't go in for the matching costumes in the same way my kids do.

I had it all planned out. I earned it, after all. That back labor, fourth-degree tearing, and a full three years (not consecutive) with children on my breasts meant that I should have my way. But alas, they have all eschewed my grand plans.

Not a single one of them wants to dress as the Land Shark for Halloween. "Disappointed" would be too light a term ...


Sure, I'd dressed them as various things as wee ones -- Alex was a hot dog, Amelia was a flower, Ben, my eldest, was a "grumble bee" (to say that he was "not an easy baby" would be like saying, "Hitler was kinda an asshole"). It was cute. Many pictures were taken, people oohed and ahhed over the babies, and they were given candy they could never possibly eat.

I'd been waiting until one of them was old enough to actually be the Land Shark, y'know, the guy from old Saturday Night Live clips? I had visions of them ringing doorbells, saying, "Mary Kay calling!" or "Doctors Without Borders, ma'am!" rather than the boring old "Trick or treat!"

It was going to be hilarious. I dug out my ancient camcorder each year, eyeing the usual suspects, and trying to decide which one of them would be most likely to agree to this hilariously awesome costume. And each year, the response went something like this (mix and match the kids):

Me (in July): "HEY! I know what you should be for Halloween! The LAND SHARK! It'll be awesome!"

My kid: "Nah, I want to go as a samurai."

Me (in August): "HEY! I know what you should be for Halloween! The Land Shark! Hilarious!"

My kid: "Nah, I want to be a rocket ship."

Me (in September): "HEY! I know what you should be for Halloween! The LAND SHARK! Bwahahahaha! The costume would be AWESOME!"

My kid: "I think I want to be Batman."

Me (in October): "HEY, who wants an EXTRA AWESOME COSTUME? Who wants to be the LAND SHARK?"

My kids: "YOU DO."

They're right. I do.

Me: "I was going to put you on leashes and be the Twitter Fail Whale."

My kids: "NO WAY. We're going to be BATMAN."


It's just a shame that I'm too old to dress up for Halloween and prank the houses in my neighborhood. Because I SO would.

Maybe next year.

Maybe next year.


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