I was sitting with my 7-year-old son in front of the laptop, clicking through images in search of a specific Halloween costume. He'd decided he wanted to dress as Toothless, the Night Fury dragon from How to Train Your Dragon, and I was having trouble finding a manufactured version that wasn't 1) a total piece of crap, or 2) being offered via eBay for the low, low price of just $85. That's when we stumbled across this page.
"Mom! That's it! It's perfect," he said. Well, I said, someone made that for their kid, we can't buy it. "Mom. It can't be that hard, right? Can't you, you know ... make it, too?" My son gazed trustingly at me, and I sighed and scanned the page to see if it was something I had a chance in hell of pulling off. Papier-mâché head, hot-glued wings, body created via sewing machine, tail formed of sewn felt, and -- uh, yeah, forget it.
Crafty moms, I thought to myself for the millionth time, can suck a bag of googly eyes.
Okay, I don't really mean that. Googly eyes are surely a choking hazard. Maybe you -- yes, you, the one who's been hunched over the sewing machine putting together Junior's creative Halloween masterpiece since August, even though he's only going to wear it for one night OH MY GOD -- could just suck a bag of, say, Popsicle sticks. Which you have probably already hot-glued some feathers to in an artistically pleasing manner.
I don't mind your Martha Stewart shenanigans during the rest of the year, but when it comes time for Halloween, you people totally screw up the playing field. I'm not saying we should ALL purchase shoddily-designed synthetic pieces of merchandised crap made in Taiwan, but would it really be so wrong if we did? Come on, have a heart. I can't sew, I've never wielded a glue gun, and the last time I tried to make anything out of papier-mâché, I had flour in my carpet for weeks.
Plus, I'm just not creative enough to dream up some awesomely adorable/hilarious outfit, damn it to hell. Other people can imagine how foam eyeballs, pipe cleaners, and fabric can come together to make this:
A homemade Yip-Yip-Uh-Huh Guy costume? FINE, YOU WIN.
Man, I could mouth-breathe for a million years and never figure that out. In fact, my only costume ideas come from the time-tested method of adding "slutty" to the front of any noun, because all you have to do is dress slutty and verbally explain what you are: Slutty Astronaut. Slutty Railroad Crossing Sign. Slutty Flatworm. Etc.
Anyway, this Halloween, I beg of you: put down the sewing machine, set aside the felt, and come to Wal-Mart with me to peruse the discount Spider-Man outfits. Sure, our children will all look tacky as hell and be dangerously flammable to boot, but by god, we'll be in it together.
Are you going the homemade route for your kid this Halloween?
Image via City of Marietta, GA/Flickr
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Comments 35
You are so rude. THIS is why our society has such a problem with bullies and rude people- you are writing this (I assume) to be a bit tongue and cheek. However, you are just mean and putting down a group of people for no real reason other than 'entertainment' and a bit of a paycheck. People will come on here and either be offended or agree- and sadly there will be some people who CARE about what you just said and feel bad about something that they have no reason to feel bad about. After reading this, I pretty much want to tell you to f*** off, and that is NOT something I ever feel like telling another person. There is nothing different from your attitude here and the nasty high school girls that put down another girl for what she does differently than you- only you're a grown woman and getting PAID for it. Utterly disgusting.
This is greatness, Linda. I am right there with you. I've been following your blog for years and adore your articles on here. I wish more parents would be as honest as you are. You do a fine job of writing what most other Moms are thinking. :)
HistoryMamaX3, lighten up! LMBO
I have that pirate costume. Our 2nd child, boy was that pirate, our 3rd child, boy obviously, was the pirate last year AND barfed all over the costume right after pictures! So he will squeeze into it this year!!
Part of the problem we have today is people telling people like me to 'lighten up.' Why is it so funny to trash on people? Why is it funny and in good humor to make others feel bad? Why do we excuse grown ups for doing it and then tell our children they shouldn't, "because it isn't nice."
I'm not going to lighten up- it is wrong to be mean to people... and so long as we see stories where kids are killing themselves because their peers treat them in this same manner- our society is not setting an example for our youth.