Homemade Costume Moms Are Ruining My Halloween

I was sitting with my 7-year-old son in front of the laptop, clicking through images in search of a specific Halloween costume. He'd decided he wanted to dress as Toothless, the Night Fury dragon from How to Train Your Dragon, and I was having trouble finding a manufactured version that wasn't 1) a total piece of crap, or 2) being offered via eBay for the low, low price of just $85. That's when we stumbled across this page.

"Mom! That's it! It's perfect," he said. Well, I said, someone made that for their kid, we can't buy it. "Mom. It can't be that hard, right? Can't you, you know ... make it, too?" My son gazed trustingly at me, and I sighed and scanned the page to see if it was something I had a chance in hell of pulling off. Papier-mâché head, hot-glued wings, body created via sewing machine, tail formed of sewn felt, and -- uh, yeah, forget it.

Crafty moms, I thought to myself for the millionth time, can suck a bag of googly eyes.

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Okay, I don't really mean that. Googly eyes are surely a choking hazard. Maybe you -- yes, you, the one who's been hunched over the sewing machine putting together Junior's creative Halloween masterpiece since August, even though he's only going to wear it for one night OH MY GOD -- could just suck a bag of, say, Popsicle sticks. Which you have probably already hot-glued some feathers to in an artistically pleasing manner.

I don't mind your Martha Stewart shenanigans during the rest of the year, but when it comes time for Halloween, you people totally screw up the playing field. I'm not saying we should ALL purchase shoddily-designed synthetic pieces of merchandised crap made in Taiwan, but would it really be so wrong if we did? Come on, have a heart. I can't sew, I've never wielded a glue gun, and the last time I tried to make anything out of papier-mâché, I had flour in my carpet for weeks.

Plus, I'm just not creative enough to dream up some awesomely adorable/hilarious outfit, damn it to hell. Other people can imagine how foam eyeballs, pipe cleaners, and fabric can come together to make this:


A homemade Yip-Yip-Uh-Huh Guy costume? FINE, YOU WIN.

Man, I could mouth-breathe for a million years and never figure that out. In fact, my only costume ideas come from the time-tested method of adding "slutty" to the front of any noun, because all you have to do is dress slutty and verbally explain what you are: Slutty Astronaut. Slutty Railroad Crossing Sign. Slutty Flatworm. Etc.

Anyway, this Halloween, I beg of you: put down the sewing machine, set aside the felt, and come to Wal-Mart with me to peruse the discount Spider-Man outfits. Sure, our children will all look tacky as hell and be dangerously flammable to boot, but by god, we'll be in it together.

Are you going the homemade route for your kid this Halloween?


Image via City of Marietta, GA/Flickr

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