You know what I like about fall? Almost nothing. Sure, the leaves are pretty and the air is crisp and blah blah blah. Mostly, fall, now that I'm OLD means that the harsh Chicago winter is on its way to make my life hell. I mean, who wants to get up each morning to have their boogers freeze in their nose before they've finished their coffee? Answer: Not me. I'd prefer to wait until AFTER my first cup before I deal with freezing boogies).
Alas, I digress.
This time of year, everywhere you turn (i.e. Pinterest, which is designed, I believe, solely to make me feel bad about myself), someone is touting a fun! new! fall! activity!
But here's a list of fun fall activities that even us haters can enjoy. (But not really.)
- Play the ever-popular game, "eat the leaves." I mean, you never know when you'll get the leaf with the slug on it.
- Make lewd sculptures composed entirely of leaves on your front lawn.
- Pass out birth control to the parents whose kids are assholes on Halloween.
- Dress your kids in slutty Halloween costumes and yell, "SHE'S TRAINING FOR THE POLE" whenever anyone gives you the stink eye.
- Teach your kids to rake the leaves in your front yard into your neighbors yard for HIM to deal with.
- Rearrange your neighbor's scarecrow into inappropriate positions.
- Throw an anti-Halloween party in which you stand on a soapbox and holler about the various reasons Halloween is the Devil's Holiday. This is especially awesome if you have preteens -- they love being mortified.
- Instead of putting an election sign in your yard, start a peition to boycott apple picking.
- Rather than decorating your pumpkins adorably, just stick a butcher knife in each and call it a day.
- Whenever anyone asks if you'd like a fall recipie, tell them, "I don't believe in fall."
- Instead of going around the table at Thanksgiving and telling your loved ones what you're thankful for this year, insist that you'd rather play a game of truth or dare. And, oh yeah, you'll go first.
- Pass out raisins for Halloween, and when the kids complain, tell them it's better than cat poo -- though by a small margin.
- Sign up the whole family for nudist hay rides at the local apple orchard -- bonus points for making an "apple" joke.
- Head to the orchard after hours, and swap out all their cider for hard apple cider, then bring a video camera to watch the children's activities disintegrate around glass two.
- Bring a small kitchen torch with you to the orchard so that you can always pop the corn while doing the corn maze. Bonus points for carving your own pathway.
Image via OregonDOT/Flickr