Making Divorce Easier on the Kids Starts at Mom's New Home

Being a Mom 4

To those of you who read my blog, Mommy Wants Vodka, you know that I'm in the process of a divorce. In fact, just this very weekend, I moved out of my home of seven years and into a one-bedroom apartment of my very own.

On the one hand, it's an exciting time, and on the other, change is HARD, yo.

The most important thing for me is not, "Do I have a working coffee maker?" but "How can I make this adjustment easiest on the kids?" I've spent more time thinking about that than I've ever spent despising John Mayer or mayonnaise (unrelated, of course) combined.

It's been of the utmost importance to me that my beloved children are okay. While I may be riding the roller coaster of emotions associated with the termination of my union, what I feel is not important by comparison to how my children are coping.

One of the first things I did when I was told I had to move out as I couldn't afford the mortgage alone was to start planning ways to make my home feel like a second home to the children. I made sure to find replacements to all of their lovies (my daughter has a stuffed Webkins and my son has a special blankie), which, I'm telling you, after those things have been off the market as "new toys," isn't as easy as 1, 2, 3. In fact, it was exorbitant to do so, but it was worth it.

Rather than bring the kids over in the midst of unpacking my new apartment, I was sure to set things up so that it didn't feel as though they were walking into Box Hell, because, well, the place wasn't always going to be filled with boxes filled with my former life. I waited extremely impatiently until my place was in suitable enough shape for my children to feel as though it was a home and not a box repository. I'll tell you right now, that was NOT easy. I wanted to immediately show them their second home, but I did wait.

Bringing them into their second house, I was sure to plaster a huge smile on my face and lovingly show them around. I'd been fortunate enough to find extra boxes of toys in the basement that I'd stored for a rainy day, which I'd brought with me. Even better, I'd been offered the sort of stuff from PR companies I normally turn down because, well, PR stuff isn't my forte, unlike scented candles, which are.

They were thrilled to come see Mom's new place -- their second home -- even more so when I showed them that they had new toys to play with, a space for them to eat their snacks, and a cupboard full of their most favorite treats.

So while I may be a sobbing mess, living alone for the first time in my life, grieving the loss of a dream, the kids? Well, the kids are all right.

And that's good enough for me.

 

behavior, child custody, divorce

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nonmember avatar HS

Keep up the good work making sure the babies are comfortable. I'm a single mom but never had to go through a divorce process. I was never married and the baby daddy and I had broken up while I was pregnant so my son never knew life when mommy and daddy were together. I THOUGHT that I wouldn't have to go through the whole "Why don't you and daddy live together?" phase but boom, there it was at a ripe 3 years of age. Are you and daddy friends? I want you to come to daddy's house, or I don't wanna go to daddy's hosue, etc. I just take the time to explain that daddy loves him and wants to see him. I also use the idea of sharing to explain to him why he has to go back and forth which may not be the best explanation but it makes sense to him. It's hard but the older he gets (he's 4 now) the easier it is to explain to him why things are the way they are.

MomLi... MomLily67

It's never easy, even is you had the crapiest relationship, sometimes the adjustment is hard, but you are doing all you can for your kids to have a sense or normalcy despite the grown ups mess.  Stay strong.

Linda Antle Ranson Jacobs

I commend you for thinking about the kids first. You are one smart mom! I raised my kids as a single mom. You can do this. Oh yes, it is hard for sure but not impossible. After my kids were grown I developed a program to help other kids whose parents divorced, DivorceCare for Kids.

One way to help kids is to equip them to understand what's happening as their parents go through a divorce. Talk to your children on their developmental level. As soon as they are in school look into the DivorceCare for Kids (DC4K) program. It helps children identify why they are hurting and understand how to cope with their feelings. I'd encourage any divorcing parent to connect their children with a DC4K group. We have a searchable database of groups at www.dc4k.org.

Blessings to you in your new life,
Linda Ranson Jacobs
DC4K Creator and Ambassador
ljacobs@dc4k.org





nonmember avatar Bianca

I have never been on my own or independent if fact havnt had a job for many years. im so scare to move on but i feel its something i need to do. i just happen to read this blog and i feel th esae way i wish for u to read this if anyone could give some advise i can use. than u

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