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8 Sign-Up Sheets That Tell Moms What They're REALLY In For When They Volunteer at School

Big Kid Jeanne Sager Sep 26, 2012

sign up sheetAs far as letters from the teacher go, the one parents near Philadelphia found in their kids' folders recently has to win some kind of award for pure genius. The pre-printed form inviting parent volunteers to sign up to chaperone the class trip doesn't try to woo them with promises of gratitude or platitudes about being "involved."

The letter is hilariously honest. Volunteer and you're going to ride on a bus with 50-plus noisy fifth graders, eat greasy fast food ...

Hey, it sounds better than the teacher blowing smoke up your butt, doesn't it? What if all those parent volunteer sign-up sheets got a little more honest?

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What if, instead of expounding on the benefits of being an involved parent, they just cut the crap and told us what we were in for? Do they really think we'd stop doing things for our kids if we knew up front that it was going to kind of suck?

After the good laugh we got over everything it would take to chaperone those fifth graders, I'm thinking parents would appreciate the honesty! So here you go, a few forms you can submit next time you want to sign up as a volunteer mom or dad!

Which one is your favorite?

 

Image via TheDigitel Myrtle Beach/Flickr

Image by Jeanne Sager

 

1Bake Sale Mom

I pledge to make two dozen cupcakes for the t-ball team's bake sale, three-quarters of which will end up stuck to the pan because I will do this while trying to convince one kid to take a bath and the other to finish his homework and inevitably forget to put the cupcake liners in.

I have a penchant for staying up until 2 a.m. baking brownies to replace destroyed cupcakes while I stress eat the aforementioned useless looking baked goods ... only to arrive at the bake sale at 9 a.m. to realize that every other mom went the Entenmann's route.

Image via tsuacctnt/Flickr

2School Play Costume Maker

I, the undersigned, am putting forth my name to spend every night for the next week trying to make 30 first graders look like they were actually there the day the Constitution was signed.

I'm a diehard fan of the sound of "but Mrs. J, this fabric is so iiiiitchy" and can't wait to get started on pricking my fingers until they bleed because I haven't actually sewn anything since before my kids were born ... you know, back when I had time for hobbies.

Image via LizMarie_AK/Flickr

3PTA President

Realizing that my Thursday nights are being entirely wasted on the couch watching Glee with a glass of wine in hand after my kids go to bed, I would like to throw my hat in the ring for PTA President.

I can think of nothing more enjoyable than listening to the mom who drives her kids to school, hits the gym, and then comes back to the school to volunteer one hour each in every single one of her three kids' classrooms blather on for 45 minutes about how our school would be so much better if we could just make more parents sell wrapping paper.

I'll even bring donuts so we can all pretend we don't eat stuff like that while stuffing our faces.

Image via Christine Coan

4School Trip Chaperone

The one that started it all ...

I have a burning desire to ride on a school bus with 50 noisy fifth graders, walk around [insert field trip destination here] at breakneck speed with 5+/- excited students, and eat greasy fast food in the food court ...

Image via dospaz/Flickr

5Snack Parent

Nothing could thrill me more than hearing the collective moan of 17 children disappointed to see me walk in the door with yet another healthy snack that fulfills school rules AND avoids the various allergens that will set off the nine children with serious issues.

I have a hankering for slicing my little fingertips as I work my way through a bushel of apples, half of which will be eaten, half of which will be abandoned on plates by kindergartners who decided they'd already filled up on boogers and could move on.

Image via sidewalk flying/Flickr

 

6Call Chain Mom

Nothing gets me motivated like being woken at the crack of dawn to the news that school has been cancelled and I have to figure out how to entertain my child all day indoors. Well, nothing except being the mom who gets to break that news to all the other pissed off parents!

I can't wait to take over the call chain and be the one people curse at when they don't bother to answer the phone OR check their machine when it's blinking.

Image via toddwendy/Flickr

7Parent/Teacher Meeting Sign-Up

Please put my name in under the 6 p.m. slot for the parent/teacher conference. I eagerly anticipate the backache special to people who spend 20 minutes perched on a chair made for midgets and the inevitable red face of shame that comes of realizing you are chewing gum inside an elementary school classroom.

Please make a special point to tell me what sort of embarrassing stories my daughter has revealed in class, including that night Daddy blacked out on the toilet (it was the flu, I swear!). These sort of things build character.

Image via Jeanne Sager

 

8Soccer Coach

I'm eager to coach anywhere from 7 to 10 children, at least two of whom will spend more of the season lying on the grass than on their feet, while their mothers sit on the sidelines babbling on their cellphones instead of encouraging their kids to get moving.

I am most anxiously awaiting the opportunity to repeat the following phrases until I'm hoarse: "No honey, our goal is the OTHER one!" "Time out, we have another shoe that needs to be tied!" and of course the classic heard on soccer pitches 'round the world, "Kick the ball, not your teammate!"

For all of this I expect nothing more than the "everyone wins" trophy, which my daughter will knock off my shelf and break the day after I get it.

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