Hey, everybody! Get ready for another round of Batsh*t Crazy Things Batsh*t Crazy Politicians Say! Cause boy oh boy, do I ever have a good one for you. Earlier this week, Republican New Hampshire state legislator Bob Kingsbury told a convention that kindergarten leads to higher crime rates. Yes. He. Did. And just in case your rational mind is rejecting the possibility of what you just read actually happening? Second verse, same as the first: Kindergarten leads to higher crime rates!
But this is an absurd notion, you must be thinking. Well, that's merely because unlike Kingsbury, you have not conducted 16 years of exhaustive research on the topic. Indeed, Kingsbury's in-depth analysis of "local crime rates in communities that offered kindergarten versus those that do not offer the educational program" showed that sometimes, kids who go to kindergarten end up in jail. Or something. Because, as Kingsbury says, "We're taking children away from their mothers too soon."
(Did I mention this guy also links higher crime to the "lack of boxing classes" in high schools?)
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Anyway, clearly Kingsbury is on to something here. Clearly our attempts to educate and socialize young children in a safe and nurturing environment is breeding a generation of thieves and murderers.
Here are 5 Ways Kindergarten Turns Kids Into Criminals:
1. Show and Tell turns kids into shoplifters. Thou shalt not covet their neighbor's Legos. What better way to make kids materialistic and greedy than by dangling other kids' shiny new toys in front of their little faces?
2. Naptime turns kids into lazy bums. Sleeping in the middle of the day! On mats, no less!
3. Fingerpainting turns kids into graffiti artists. Smearing colors together with abandon, using their bare hands! Whatever happened to staying inside the lines?!
4. Snacktime turns kids into addicts. So sad. Doomed to spend the rest of their lives chasing that next graham cracker fix.
5. Storytime turns kids into violent offenders. Consider the savage behavior in such "classic" tales as "The Three Little Pigs." Listen up guys, here's how to break into somebody's house!
See what I mean? Now go and pull your kid out of kindergarten before you're visiting the hooligan in juvie!
Do you find Bob Kingsbury's statement about kindergarten turning kids into criminals funny, scary, or both?
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