My boys are 7 and 9. So naturally, they're starting to get to that age. That age of curiosity. That age all parents dread. That age where it's time to talk about sex.
Since they're both boys, I'm guessing this talk is going to fall in my lap. Curse you, XY chromosomes! They've actually started asking a lot of questions lately (the boys, not the chromosomes) about "being in mommy's belly," so the clock is definitely ticking.
How is the whole conversation going to play out? I'm hoping, like a Band-Aid, it'll be quick and painless with no questions or interruptions at all. How do I think it's really going to go? Probably something like this.
"Boys, it's time we had a serious talk about something."
"I didn't do it! It was Ryan's fault," says my older son Jason.
"No, no. This isn't about ... wait, what did he do now?!? No, no. I can't get sidetracked. I need to talk to both of you about the birds and the bees."
"I don't like bees. They're mean. They sting!" says Ryan.
"It's just an expression. I really want to explain to you where babies come from and how babies are made."
"I heard in school that mommies poop the babies out," says Jason.
"WHAT? Who told you that?"
"I heard some kids talking at recess today," admits Jason.
"Mommy already told us. We came out of her belly," adds Ryan.
"Yes, that's true. The belly part, I mean! But do you know how you got inside mommy's belly in the first place?"
"She ate us?" asks Ryan.
"Um, no. You started off as a really, really, really tiny part of mommy and daddy. Mommy has an egg and daddy has what's called a sperm. When they get together, they combine and grow up into you. So you're made up of parts from half of me and half of mommy."
"Mommy lays eggs? Like a chicken!" laughs Ryan.
"Yes she lays eggs, but they're super duper tiny and they stay inside her body."
"So mommy eats your sperm and it mixes with the egg to make a baby!" says Ryan.
"Uhh. That's not really what happens. At least ... no, that's not how it gets in there. You see when a mommy and daddy love each other very very much, they do a special kind of hugging."
"Is it like when you hug grandma and grandpa?" asks Ryan.
"Definitely not!"
"I know. It's when you and mommy are under the covers in your bed," remarks Jason.
"Yes, that's right. The mommy and daddy who love each other very very much start hugging and kissing each other. And then the daddy puts his ... hoo boy ... you see the mommy lets the daddy take his ... well, they both don't have any clothes on and ..."
"They're naked?!?" asks Ryan shocked. "Why are they naked?"
"Because that's how you make a baby."
"If you're naked, you make a baby? So you take your clothes off and kiss someone, and that's how you get a baby in their belly," exclaims Ryan.
"No, no. I didn't finish. You see, they're naked so that their private parts are showing. And then the daddy puts his ... well, he puts his penis in mommy's vagina and they do more hugging."
"............."
"Boys? You okay? You understand what I just said?"
"............."
At this point, sweat starts pouring down the back of my neck. My heart's racing a mile a minute. I stare into their horrified little faces. And then Ryan bursts out crying and runs out of the room screaming, "Mommy! Daddy said he put his penis in your bagina!"
I stare at Jason, who blinks and merely says, "Can I go play the Wii now?"
I can only imagine if I had two girls ...
How did you tell your kids about sex?
Image via Remy Snippe/Flickr
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Comments 101
LMAO! Thanks for the laugh! We've had the sex talk with our kids, in varying degrees of detail depending on their ages. It was gradual, it wasn't a big 'moment' when we would divulge the truth to them. I found if I was really matter-of-fact the kids were really matter-of-fact as well. And as a plus, finding out that a penis is required for reproduction finally got my son to stop waiting for our all-female pets to reproduce!
@ Not to be offensive or rude but Lydia STFU not all men do those horrid things; my father, my husband's father, my Husband are not "sex offenders", I for one don't know what happened to you (it's none of my business). Also my boys will be proper men when they grow and know how to repect all people man, woman, child, and unborn children. Not all men or bad at all and you need some serious help and fast. Now to the correct comment. I LOVE THIS ARTICLE!!!! It makes me luagh so much I'm sure my husband will enjoy this. I never laughed soooooooo hard in my life! I'm sure my husband will luagh just as hard as I did. After all it's up to parents to teach their kids about sex. It should not be the school teaching our kids a dang thing about sex. I personally didn't become interested in sex til' high school. Saw the birthing video in heath and PE in high school and was like not having sex ever. Now I am the mom to two boys (see how well that worked lol) one is two and the other two months so no sex talk needed yet. When we get there my husband will handle it.
I loved it! This was awesome, and I can really see my son acting that way when he gets older. He is only two so I hopefully do not have to worry about it. I think when the time comes i am going to stick to an analogy (depending on how old he is) about how we are just like puzzles. When you put pieces together you make a picture, when a mommy and a daddy connect their pieces they make a baby. We have always taught our son proper names for things, no baby talk. We want him to pronounce things right, so we will probably use penis a vagina too, you have to tell them eventually the difference between us.
Well then, let's all pray that you never get pregnant - you obviously don't deserve to be a mother.
This article made my day, and that non-member Lydia is a bitch she has been posting bull crap in other articles too, don't pay attention to her.
Lol, thanks for the laugh.
Aw, poor Dad. XD This is one talk I'm definitely NOT looking forward to. My family was very casual about it and I had the talk a few times during my youth at different points of my development--one after a sibling was born (I think I was about 5), one right before middle school to explain puberty, and one before high school. It was always very awkward for me. Not so much for my family, but definitely for me. I think when it comes time for me to give that talk, I might check out a book from the library to help explain.
When I was a little kid (female) and heard about the birds and bees, I was pretty horrified. I kind of thought that when I get married, I would go to the hospital and they could put me to sleep. Then my husband could do what was necessary and we would have a baby! LOL.
My husband tried to have the "talk" with our 9 year old because he was asking questions. It went a lot like it did in the article, except for when it was done my husband said "Do you have any questions?" and my son looked at him and said "Did you know that Eris is a dwarf planet?"