My boys are 7 and 9. So naturally, they're starting to get to that age. That age of curiosity. That age all parents dread. That age where it's time to talk about sex.
Since they're both boys, I'm guessing this talk is going to fall in my lap. Curse you, XY chromosomes! They've actually started asking a lot of questions lately (the boys, not the chromosomes) about "being in mommy's belly," so the clock is definitely ticking.
How is the whole conversation going to play out? I'm hoping, like a Band-Aid, it'll be quick and painless with no questions or interruptions at all. How do I think it's really going to go? Probably something like this.
"Boys, it's time we had a serious talk about something."
"I didn't do it! It was Ryan's fault," says my older son Jason.
"No, no. This isn't about ... wait, what did he do now?!? No, no. I can't get sidetracked. I need to talk to both of you about the birds and the bees."
"I don't like bees. They're mean. They sting!" says Ryan.
"It's just an expression. I really want to explain to you where babies come from and how babies are made."
"I heard in school that mommies poop the babies out," says Jason.
"WHAT? Who told you that?"
"I heard some kids talking at recess today," admits Jason.
"Mommy already told us. We came out of her belly," adds Ryan.
"Yes, that's true. The belly part, I mean! But do you know how you got inside mommy's belly in the first place?"
"She ate us?" asks Ryan.
"Um, no. You started off as a really, really, really tiny part of mommy and daddy. Mommy has an egg and daddy has what's called a sperm. When they get together, they combine and grow up into you. So you're made up of parts from half of me and half of mommy."
"Mommy lays eggs? Like a chicken!" laughs Ryan.
"Yes she lays eggs, but they're super duper tiny and they stay inside her body."
"So mommy eats your sperm and it mixes with the egg to make a baby!" says Ryan.
"Uhh. That's not really what happens. At least ... no, that's not how it gets in there. You see when a mommy and daddy love each other very very much, they do a special kind of hugging."
"Is it like when you hug grandma and grandpa?" asks Ryan.
"Definitely not!"
"I know. It's when you and mommy are under the covers in your bed," remarks Jason.
"Yes, that's right. The mommy and daddy who love each other very very much start hugging and kissing each other. And then the daddy puts his ... hoo boy ... you see the mommy lets the daddy take his ... well, they both don't have any clothes on and ..."
"They're naked?!?" asks Ryan shocked. "Why are they naked?"
"Because that's how you make a baby."
"If you're naked, you make a baby? So you take your clothes off and kiss someone, and that's how you get a baby in their belly," exclaims Ryan.
"No, no. I didn't finish. You see, they're naked so that their private parts are showing. And then the daddy puts his ... well, he puts his penis in mommy's vagina and they do more hugging."
"............."
"Boys? You okay? You understand what I just said?"
"............."
At this point, sweat starts pouring down the back of my neck. My heart's racing a mile a minute. I stare into their horrified little faces. And then Ryan bursts out crying and runs out of the room screaming, "Mommy! Daddy said he put his penis in your bagina!"
I stare at Jason, who blinks and merely says, "Can I go play the Wii now?"
I can only imagine if I had two girls ...
How did you tell your kids about sex?
Image via Remy Snippe/Flickr
This Hot Dad Wants to Do Your Ironing
KStew Refuses to Shower
This Hot Dad Wants to Cook You Dinner
This Hot Dad Cooks AND Does the Dishes
Comments 101
For my girls...it wasn't a "bagina" but a China! LOL This article made me laugh, too! Good one!
I have always been straight forward with my kids....I have had many of talks with them ( son & daughter) about their bodies and sex. It shouldn't be embarrassing because it is human nature. I've told my son that he can come to me anytime if he needs condoms (he's now 16) since he was 13. It's not that I'm encouraging him but I certainly don't want any excuse for an *oops*. I've also told him that if he has sex, he should ALWAYS wear a condom even if the girl says she is on the pill b/c sometimes girls lie and that nothing protects you from diseases like condoms. If your kids come to you and asks you questions, you should give them honest answers and be glad that they feel comfortable enough to come and ask. My kids know they can ask me anything.
This was funny. Thank you.
well I learned how you actually have sex in 5th grade when our parents had to sign a note to let us do a sex education class, my parents never really gave me the talk cause I pretty much learned on my own, the sex ed class told us everything, the girl and boys were separated and they told us what the girls needed to know. Its better than them ending up not knowing anything and then when they are ready to have sex they dont know how
we haven't even gotten to the sex talk yet... my dds are 10 and 8 and we are still talking puberty...*sigh* the sex talk is next, and I plan to have my husband there to back me up on it. We agreeed long ago, that the puberty talk would be all me, since we have girls, but we would both have the sex talk with them.
lol, I told my 6 year old and her reply was "when the baby comes out, does your vagina explode?" Kids are awesome.
hahahaha they sure are :) This article was hilarious!
This was so funny. I've had basic talks with my my kids but not the whole penis and vagina thing just yet. I feel like the time is near though and I also feel prepared but in the moment not sure if it will be as easy as I think! My thing is not really explaining how the baby got in there but if they will then ask if their step dad and I do this, even though we are not having another baby.