One Dad's Failed Sex Talk With His Sons

LOL 102

ladybugs matingMy boys are 7 and 9. So naturally, they're starting to get to that age. That age of curiosity. That age all parents dread. That age where it's time to talk about sex.

Since they're both boys, I'm guessing this talk is going to fall in my lap. Curse you, XY chromosomes! They've actually started asking a lot of questions lately (the boys, not the chromosomes) about "being in mommy's belly," so the clock is definitely ticking.

How is the whole conversation going to play out? I'm hoping, like a Band-Aid, it'll be quick and painless with no questions or interruptions at all. How do I think it's really going to go? Probably something like this.

"Boys, it's time we had a serious talk about something."

"I didn't do it! It was Ryan's fault," says my older son Jason.

"No, no. This isn't about ... wait, what did he do now?!? No, no. I can't get sidetracked. I need to talk to both of you about the birds and the bees."

"I don't like bees. They're mean. They sting!" says Ryan.

"It's just an expression. I really want to explain to you where babies come from and how babies are made."

"I heard in school that mommies poop the babies out," says Jason.

"WHAT? Who told you that?"

"I heard some kids talking at recess today," admits Jason.

"Mommy already told us. We came out of her belly," adds Ryan.

"Yes, that's true. The belly part, I mean! But do you know how you got inside mommy's belly in the first place?"

"She ate us?" asks Ryan.

"Um, no. You started off as a really, really, really tiny part of mommy and daddy. Mommy has an egg and daddy has what's called a sperm. When they get together, they combine and grow up into you. So you're made up of parts from half of me and half of mommy."

"Mommy lays eggs? Like a chicken!" laughs Ryan.

"Yes she lays eggs, but they're super duper tiny and they stay inside her body."

"So mommy eats your sperm and it mixes with the egg to make a baby!" says Ryan.

"Uhh. That's not really what happens. At least ... no, that's not how it gets in there. You see when a mommy and daddy love each other very very much, they do a special kind of hugging."

"Is it like when you hug grandma and grandpa?" asks Ryan.

"Definitely not!"

"I know. It's when you and mommy are under the covers in your bed," remarks Jason.

"Yes, that's right. The mommy and daddy who love each other very very much start hugging and kissing each other. And then the daddy puts his ... hoo boy ... you see the mommy lets the daddy take his ... well, they both don't have any clothes on and ..."

"They're naked?!?" asks Ryan shocked. "Why are they naked?"

"Because that's how you make a baby."

"If you're naked, you make a baby? So you take your clothes off and kiss someone, and that's how you get a baby in their belly," exclaims Ryan.

"No, no. I didn't finish. You see, they're naked so that their private parts are showing. And then the daddy puts his ... well, he puts his penis in mommy's vagina and they do more hugging."

"............."

"Boys? You okay? You understand what I just said?"

"............."

At this point, sweat starts pouring down the back of my neck. My heart's racing a mile a minute. I stare into their horrified little faces. And then Ryan bursts out crying and runs out of the room screaming, "Mommy! Daddy said he put his penis in your bagina!"

I stare at Jason, who blinks and merely says, "Can I go play the Wii now?"

I can only imagine if I had two girls ...

How did you tell your kids about sex?


Image via Remy Snippe/Flickr

sex & dating

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Megankae Megankae

Omg that made me laugh so hard.





Thank you.

Evaly... EvalynCarnate

Dont be too hard on yourself!! You gave them the basic information and you cant really expect them not to get a little freaked out about the whole thing. I imagine a whole lot of parental conversations end in bewildered children and possibly tears because, even at that age, its something that their little brains have to work at computing :-p You've at least opened the doors for questions and conversatons they may bring up themselves. Just be straightfoward and honest because that's what they need. I also love that you said penis and vagina instead of "peepee" and "hoohah" :-p

zombi... zombiemommy916

You are my hero!! Hahahaha...that has to be the funniest, most entertaining article I've read this year :) I'm 10 weeks pregnant and I have a 9yr old daughter and 6yr old son...and the questions are coming at a rapid-fire succession! Thank you for lightening up a subject that has been stressing me for weeks...on that note, anyone have any cute ideas on how to explain this to them? Much appreciated!!!!

kelly... kelly24019

This is awesome <3 thanks for the laugh ;)

nonmember avatar Emily

I have three girls (and a boy)- and I have always been straightforward with them. I never baby talked them, and if they have questions I answer them in a straightforward way, but also in a way that they understand. Its not anything that I'm embarrassed about or ashamed of. I don't want them growing up to think that its anything embarrassing or shameful either.

savel... savelijes

Ohhhh I needed that this morning, what a great laugh LOL!

kdsue kdsue

When my daughter was 2, she asked me how babies get into mommies' bellies.  I was so shocked that she was already asking the question that I was completely unprepared, and almost drove off the road.  But, being an engineer, I gave her the straightforward, technical answer, "the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina."  I peeked in my rearview mirror and saw her puzzled little face.  Then she asked two followup questions: "Mom, where can we get THAT kind of peanuts?" and "Mom, why are you laughing?"


I then had to confess to our daycare provider what I'd done, just in case my daughter said something strange while eating peanut butter sandwiches.

Bonnie Bruns Williams

First off, WTF Lydia????!!!!! Ditto to the comment above, you need help, big time.  Nothing wrong with a daddy talking to his kids about sex. Especially his sons... 


Anyway.... I talked to my daughter about this when I was pregnant because she kept coming home from school with all sorts of stories on how babies were made.  We decided that her knowledge should come from home, not school kids who don't have a clue in the first place.  The talk went similarly to the one in this blog, but after I told her the er, mechanics of sex she said, "Oh.  OH!  You mean you and daddy did that??!!" I was 7 months pregnant and the look on her face made me want to crawl under a blanket! She is much older now, and since we have had an open line of communication about sex since she was younger, she (and her older brother) are pretty comfortable talking and asking questions about sex as well as other potentially embarrassing topics.

AHowa... AHoward66

Lydia is a troll. "She's been popping up all over the boards lately with her "all men are evil" BS. She's trying to get a rise out of people. Just ignore "her."

JAFE JAFE

lydia, you're way off the mark and you sound like the sick one. 


I so needed this laugh today. I thought it was wonderful. It may very well go like this but they're going to know they can come to you and that's the important thing. Setting up a bond. 


You did good.

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